Yoohoo Boris!

Alright me old mucker? Well no, I know you’re not alright. Your personal conduct and political decisions over the last hundred years demonstrates that you’re far from alright. (What do you mean he’s only been PM for 2 years?! Didn’t he succeed Lloyd George? No? Well it bloody feels like it!)

So I’ve heard a substantiated claim (unfounded rumour) from a reliable source (well, the Sun) that you are seriously considering (dithering endlessly) shutting schools early for Christmas. Now you know how dedicated I am to the teaching cause, but I would reluctantly agree with this idea. Reluctantly agree as in just bloody shut them on Friday pleeeeeaaassse! Do you know how much kids actually learn in the last week of the Autumn term? I have it on good authority (21 years of Christmas Hell in education) that it is considerably little (as in f#@k all).

In fact, students pretty much shut up shop as soon as they open the first door on the advent calendar. Once the month becomes December, all thoughts of acquiring a good education disappear out of the window quicker than you can say ‘Elf on the Shelf’. And no. I did not buy a bloody elf to cause mayhem in the classroom. There’s enough of that all year round.

They want to make cards, watch films, put up decorations, do crafts. For 17 sodding days (Oops, sorry Queenie. 16 days. Thanks for reigning so long and giving us schools an extra day off at the end of this term.) Think on Boris. The Queen is rewarding us for putting up with her face on a stamp for 70 years. Surely us educators deserve something for having watched you day in, day out, bumbling and guffawing your way through the daily figures in the briefing room during every single lockdown, having spent six hours talking to unresponsive children either in a classroom or through a computer screen.

Let’s save a tenth of the Amazon Rainforest by not having to print out colouring sheets, puzzles, and word searches or using paper for oddly shaped snowflakes, miles of paper chains or hastily made Christmas cards. Let’s get the germ spreading rugrats out of the cramped, unventilated buildings and into their own homes so they can safely enjoy the festive season – maybe downing Baileys, taking regular naps and grazing crisps all day long. Apparently that is how some people like to spend Christmas! Who would have thought?

Anyway, there’s some food for thought. Feel free to take it along to your next ‘meeting’ with some nibbles and drinks and play some parlour games while you delay responding to the latest variant. Merry Christmas!

All the other times you didn’t listen!

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