Oi Boris?!! Yoo hoo!! Wake up! You haven’t replied to my last letter. Well, my only letter. Maybe I should put my pandemic solving suggestion in language you understand.

Well…errr….teachers are tremendously….err..tired and feel…err…that they could sleep the country out of the….errr…what’s that thing again we’re having a problem with…errr….Patrick?…..oh yes…pandemic. So, without upmost clarity and absolute certainty, I am suggesting, vis-à-vis the current critical situation in which we have explicably and understandably found ourselves, that teachers stay home for an extra week at half term to help flatten the line…err…zigzag, no…curve! No. I mean work all the time. No, I mean stay safe. At work. But at home. With students. But not teaching them. And only have 6. If in Chester-le-Street. But any number in Carlisle. So, just to clarify, err….school staff should, with a firm degree of definitity…is that a word Patrick?…..err, no I mean milkshake. No I don’t. Think it’s certainty. Yes with an acute degree of certainty….err….Gavin, which is bigger again, acute or obtuse….actually, don’t worry, I’ll ask someone else, education isn’t really your thing is it….with a very, very, very big degree of ….oh Christ, I can’t even understand myself. Give me a second to speak to Dominic…..he’s gone where?…to test his eyesight?….no that’s fine..the British public will believe that.

Right, so, like I said, flatten the curve by breaking the circus. Sorry, circuit. Gin, chocolate, dance. No, that doesn’t sound right. Beer, nuts, snooker. No…..what’s the slogan again Rab C? Sorry, oh yes, Raab. Dominic Raab? Are they related? Anyways, back to what I was saying. Ah, yes, vodka, crisps, sleep. Indeed. Remember those three words. Absolutely. Or, write them on the back of your….err…foot. And we will, I repeat, we will sleep our fine and noble country called Englishland out of this crisis as long as we are fearless with our common sense. Over and in. No, I mean under and out…no that’s not quite right is it? Oh bugger, I’m off for a snooze. Nobody will notice I’m missing. Fire a missive with your response Boris. Missive Boris, not missile!