Dear Boris

I’m not a fan (probably shouldn’t have opened with that line) but I thought you would appreciate some friendly advice from someone who admires you respects you knows who you are.

I’m sure your advisors, Paddy and Chris, are doing their best. One is a sir so he must be good at something like running really fast or playing the piano really well. However, I think my 30 year old GCSE in Biology makes me more than qualified to comment. After all, poor pandemic Pete (you know him as Matt Hancock) only studied PPE at uni (unfortunately not the kind you bought wrongly from Turkey) and I think he’s on the verge of an almighty tantrum. And we all know tetchy toddlers aren’t really capable of managing a nationwide pandemic. So you might welcome the following suggestion from me.

As someone who is intelligent reasonable has ears, I know you will listen to a fellow countryman. I speak for all Britons. No, actually just the English because the other devolved governments seem to know what they are doing. I speak for all English. Actually, I don’t. I’m speaking for all school staff. We’re knackered. We need that two week circuit breaker. I would happily have given up a week of my summer holidays to have an extra week off work this half term. Honestly, if you’d said to me, go into school in August when there were no kids in to teach, I would have jumped at the chance. Loads of us would have. Give us an extra week at half term and that curve will flatten. It will. Because all school staff will be too bloody tired to go out and spread any germs. We will sleep England out of the pandemic, I promise. No households mingling. No unnecessary trips out. No draining NHS resources.

I would love a break from trying to teach in a mask, although, to be fair, it’s been a godsend with my new class because they haven’t been able to lip read my responses to their answers. Plus the long fringe and glasses have been masking most of my eye rolls. Anyhow, I digress. 

I have a new logo for you. Vodka, crisps, sleep. We’ll stockpile those and leave bread and pasta on the shelves. If ever we feel awake, we’ll drink ourselves into oblivion. The next day, when I’m hungover, I’ll eat the crisps then sleep. We, I mean, we.

So what do you think? I think it’s a goer. Maybe best not to mention this to Gavin. He seems quite keen to keep schools open for some reason but, between you and me, he doesn’t know an apple from an algorithm so I’m not convinced he knows how to read the daily bar charts or line graphs.

So, have a think and I’ll look forward to reading your reply. When I wake up.

Yours sincerely yours sincerely yours

From Lindsay

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