1. Your morning gets off to the best start ever when the recycling, which you’ve been playing Jenga with for the last week, is finally emptied
2. You’re happy when there’s enough on TV on a Saturday night to keep you awake till nine PM.
3. You ask the kids to tape you something on Sky and you get more and more annoyed because they don’t understand the instruction.
4. Those big knickers you pulled out for special occasions so you could fit into your outfit are now just your everyday knickers.
5. Your daily problem is now what to cook for tea instead of which poster from Smash Hits to put on your wall.
6. You used to laugh at old ladies with bladder control problems. But you can’t laugh anymore because you now have a problem controlling your bladder.
7. You could spend the entire morning cleaning your teeth because, as soon as you leave the bathroom, you can’t remember if you have done it or not so have to go back in and do it again.
8. You could spend the entire morning cleaning your teeth because, as soon as you leave the…..oh, forgotten I’d done that one already.
9. After a shower, you take so long slapping on various lotions to make you look young again that you’ve worked up a sweat and have to have another shower.
10. You say things your mother said to you. And they still have zero effect. But you really won’t feel the benefit if you keep your coat on inside.
11. You get apoplectic when a young ‘un says Uptown Girl was written by Westlife.
12. You could give the Tin Man a run for his money when it comes to stiff, creaky joints. Except you actually can’t run anymore. See number 6.
13. The nail varnish and expensive perfume in the bathroom cabinet have been replaced by Anusol and fungal nail treatment.
14. You put your pyjamas on at the same time you used to be going out.
15. Your 13 year old daughter is better at make up than you. Thanks to her, you no longer go out looking like a 75 year old drag queen.
16. You genuinely walk past people you know in the street because you’re now deaf and blind. Whereas 20 years ago, you were just ignorant.
17. You can’t even remember how old you are. You try to do the Maths in your head but, as it was never your strong point, you just tell the person the year you were born instead.
18. The kids in your class start calling you nan instead of mam.
19. You can’t believe it when your read that little Robbie Williams and Leonardo DiCaprio are now 47. Then you realise you’re also 47.
20. You could spend the entire morning cleaning your teeth because. as soon as you leave the…..oh crap!
How I celebrate birthdays now – A New Age
My best birthday ever – Rolling Back The Years