Day Seventy-Four in Lockdown #3.0

08:37 Ian gets a leaflet from Cumbria’s Police Commissioner asking if he wants to help keep the crime rate down. Lindsay doesn’t get one. They obviously think she likes lawless streets, illegal torture and public hangings. Maybe they know she’s watching The Tudors.

09:12 Lindsay’s new shelf arrives for the kitchen,

“I think I’ll put come cookbooks on it.”

Ian laughs hysterically.

10:39 Lindsay risks upsetting herself slightly by going on the scales.

10:40 Lindsay has REALLY upset herself.

11:12 Lindsay suddenly wonders if she still is in lockdown. She’s going to work, she can still feed her kids McDonalds and Amazon are still delivering next day. Life is pretty normal. Well, as normal as it can ever be for Lindsay.

12:39 Filling in the census is proving to be tricky. There’s no ‘fruit loop’ option.

12:42 The census asks if Joel Stevenson is the brother of Samuel Stevenson. Sam’s being denying it for 15 years so Lindsay’s unsure what to put.

12:43 Next, the census wants to know Sam’s first language. Lindsay can’t find Mumbling.

12:48 Ian wants Jedi put down as his religion.

“You heathen Ian. I put Christian.”

“Christian. What? You don’t love any of your neighbours and you’re always saying ‘God’s Sake’.”

“Yeah. But I do love a Christingle.”

13:29 Lindsay is taxiing Sam. A man driving with L plates on his car pulls alongside them.

“He’s a funny looking learner driver.”

“To be fair Sam, I drive your car and forget to take the L plates on”

“Yeah. But you can get away with it.”

14:38 Lindsay hears Abigail’s dance teacher asking for attitude. Lindsay bets Abigail is able to oblige straight away.

14:49 Joel’s off out.

“Where are you going?”

“Plastic river.”

“Oh, I might see you. I’m taking the dog there later.”

“Don’t you dare shout Schmoopaloo. I’ll disown you if you do.”


17:12 Lindsay’s friend gets a bottle vodka from her student. Lindsay wants to teach those kind of students.

18:53 Lindsay’s most aggrieved. Frankie’s Instagram is now getting more porn messages than hers.


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