04:36 Lindsay doesn’t need an alarm clock. She just needs to have a cuppa after half past eight in the evening and her bladder will do the rest.

07:16 Abigail claims she’s ill.

“I can’t go to school.”

“Ok. I’ll say you won’t be at dancing later either.”

“Actually. I feel better already.”

07:46 Lindsay still isn’t sure about contact lenses. Glasses hide unplucked eyebrows and deepening wrinkles. And frequent rolling of the eyes.

13:37 Lindsay announces this term’s project.

“We’re going to grow a salad.”

“Can you plant chickens Miss?”

15:59 Joel’s moaning to Lindsay.

“How on earth have you hurt your butt?”

“Foot, mother! Foot!”

16:32 Joel goes in the shower. Lindsay immediately races round the house, flushing all the toilets.

16:54 Abigail is confused.

“Why’s the food bubbling?”

“Because it’s hot.”

“Ahh, that’s what hot food looks like.”

16:57 Sam’s confused too.

“Why does this taste funny?”

“Your dad made it.”

17:12 Joel is not impressed with tea either.

“This tastes like arse.”

“Have you ever tasted arse Joel?”

“Please don’t let dad cook this again.”

Well played Ian. Well played.

17:16 Joel returns to complaining about his foot.

“Mam. Did you know paracetamol doesn’t actually get rid of the pain?”

“Yes. Joel. I did know that.”

“How come?”

“Because I’ve been taking it since the day you were born and I haven’t got rid of you.”

18:17 Lindsay starts twitching. She’s just heard the Microsoft Teams notification and panics that her students are waiting for her in the lobby.

19:26 Lindsay remembers it’s St Patrick’s Day.

“I’m a quarter Irish! Think I’ll toast the day with a Baileys.”

“Only a quarter measure though.”

“Feck off. Arse. Drink!”