Day Seventy in Lockdown #3.0

07:56 Lindsay goes to flush the toilet for the third time in 60 seconds. People would think she is very hygienic. She’s not. She’s just fantastic at remembering to forget.

09:53 Lindsay’s class are watching a David Attenborough clip. He’s talking about a marine iguana whose muscles stiffen if it spends too long underwater.

“So kids. What does ‘seize up’ mean?”

“I know. It’s when the sea goes up.”

“Not in this instance.”

“I know Miss. It’s like when you knelt down before Christmas then couldn’t get back up because of your knees.”

“I prefer the other answer.”

13:44 Lindsay accidentally gives a student a paper cut. Maybe the guillotine should be removed from the room with her current Henry VIII obsession.

14:34 The class surprise another member of staff by singing Happy Birthday on video chat.

“How old is she Miss? 56?”

“You’re not on mute anymore! It’s not remote learning. She’s probably heard that!”

14:36 Lindsay has a cunning plan.

“How old do you think I am? Please say 65 so I can retire.”

15:56 Lindsay gives herself a paper cut. That student obviously has a voodoo doll.

16:43 Lindsay arrives home and starts making a fuss of the dog.

“Oh Frankie. I’m so sorry. Did I walk past you and not pay you any attention? I’m so sorry. Come here. Hello Frankie.”

Lindsay looks up. Sam and Ian are stood in the kitchen. She’s walked straight past them and paid them no attention.

16:49 Lindsay wants to hear about Joel’s day.

“Schmoopaloo!! Come and see me. Schmoopaloo!”

For some strange reason, Joel doesn’t want to see his mother.

17:19 Joel is watching Lindsay type a message.

“Why’s the text on your phone so massive?”

“So I can see.”

“Aren’t you wearing contacts?”

“Possibly. Or they’ve fallen down the sink. I can’t tell.”

18:12 Abigail needs help with History again.

“What I could tell you about Oliver Cromwell Abigail.”

“Go on then.”

“What I could tell you is nothing.”

18:16 Lindsay tries to help by reading the teacher’s notes.

“Didn’t know Pokemon were around when Charles I was on the throne?”

“What? That says Pikemen Mam! Those contacts are rubbish.”

“Or down the sink.”

18:27 Ian tells Lindsay that Edinburgh is on the telly. She tries to focus.

“What are you doing Linz? You’re shaking your head like you’re trying to load like a Spectrum 48!”

18:49 Lindsay’s sure Joel has a hidden handle somewhere. He’s like a customer in the Play-Doh barber’s set whose hair can grow at a ridiculous speed.

18:54 Lindsay’s taken aback by a news report. She’s sure the reporter just asked when an erection was going to be held.

18:55 It makes sense now. An MP has resigned. They need to hold an election.

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