Day Sixty-Eight in Lockdown #3.0

08:12 Ian doesn’t know what to do with his hair. He wakes up looking like Medusa, goes back to the 80s with curtains then is about to leave the house looking like a 1960s Teddy Boy with a massive quiff. He has second thoughts and sticks a hat on so he looks like Bennie from Crossroads.

08:46 Henry VIII gives Lindsay the best Mothers’ Day present ever. After 2 series and 20 episodes, he’s finally for round to chopping Anne Boleyn’s head off.

09:23 Lindsay’s sick of reading gushing Mothers’ Day posts on Facebook.

“Hey, you ungrateful little buggers! Where’s my fake soppy post?”


09:41 Ian sends Lindsay a photo of Frankie’s ears going mental in the strong winds. Lindsay replies that it’s currently very windy in their bed too.

10:38 Lindsay comes across a website called School My Kids. Why has she never heard of this before? She’s subscribes straight away.

12:02 Children start to emerge downstairs.

“Aww kids. You shouldn’t have.”

“We haven’t yet.”

“I know, you lazy swines.”

12:04 “Will one of you make me a cuppa?”

“I haven’t been taught how to.”

“Your mother is bloody useless.”

15:14 Joel and Lindsay are discussing tea.

“If we get a takeaway, I choose Joel. It’s my special day.”

“No. I should choose. I made you a mother.”

“No. Sam made me a mother. You made me demented.”

15:57 Lindsay opens the bathroom cabinet and contemplates how things have changed in ten years. It used to be full of nail varnish, body lotions and perfume. Now she’s looking at fungal nail treatments, athlete’s foot spray and Anusol.

16:02 “Mam. Why did the parliamentarians win the English Civil War?”

“I don’t know Abigail. Why did the Parliamentarians win the English Civil War?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you.”

“Oh. I thought you were telling a joke.”

17:03 Joel’s missing his brother.

“Where’s Sam?”


“I want to see him.”

“Awww, that’s sweet”

“He needs to do my Maths homework.”

17:58 Lindsay receives a scam message from PayPal saying they’ve had to limit her account. Worst scam ever as Lindsay is more than happy for someone to stop her haemorrhaging money.

18:12 Ian is confused.

“Why’s CBeebies on the Sky planner? Is that a mistake?”

“No! The Bridgerton duke is reading the bedtime story. Do not delete. I repeat. Do not delete!”


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