06:36 Ian shouts of Lindsay in her dream and wakes her up in real life. Lindsay starts googling voodoo dolls.

09,36 Romance is alive and well in the Stevenson house.

“Happy Valentine’s Day Linz.”

“Is it?”

09:47 Ian has a choking fit when brushing his teeth. So just googling witchcraft effigies works.

10:17 Lindsay sets about eating triple her body weight in crisps before Lent starts.

10:29 The sofa groans its disapproval as Lindsay sits down. She maybe needs to start Lent today.

12:01 So, up to press Lindsay has been wished Happy Valentine’s Day by her husband, Snapchat, a work colleague, two friends and her goddaughter. And she’s said it to no one.

12:09 Abigail’s trying to decide which size dance uniform to buy.

“Maybe I’ll have a growth spurt before dancing starts back.”

“Doubt it. Your dad never had one.”

12:57 Ian’s watching a Top of the Pops from 1977.

The Sex Pistols are on.

“This song could be about you Linz.”

“Aww. What’s it called again? ‘You’re so pretty, oh so pretty’?”

“No. Pretty Vacant.”

13:04 Lindsay emerges from yet another nap because Abigail is being too loud again.

“Will someone switch her off?”

“I wish someone would switch you on!”

14:48 Joel shows his sweet side and asks Lindsay how she is.

“Are you feeling better?”

“Awww Schmoopaloo, that’s so sweet. My bad head’s gone.”

“Maaaaaaammmmmmm! Stop calling me that!!!”

Lindsay’s bad head is back.

17:23 Joel is complaining about the ambiance in the kitchen.

“Why’s it so dark?”

“So you can’t see my cooking.”

18:31 The wrong regional news programme appears on the TV. A teenager is ironing bags of crisps. And people have the nerve to call Cumbrians strange.

19:01 Lindsay settles down in front of the TV. The dog’s asleep, Ian’s at work and the kids are all upstairs building extravagant homes (Minecraft, not real ones unfortunately). Now it’s a perfect Valentine’s Day.

19:02 Lindsay can’t find the remote, Joel appears and the dog wants let out. FFS.