02:02 You’ve got to admire Sam’s organisational skills. Putting clean washing away whenever he finds a spare moment. Opening and shutting drawers. Yanking drawers open. Banging drawers shut. Yep. Lindsay’s chuffed to bits. She wasn’t asleep. At all.

05:32 Next, an itchy toe wakes Lindsay. She thought she had covered every eventuality. Empties bladder, stuffs in ear plugs, threatens children with eviction if they dare ask her what’s for tea or why bats come out at night at one o’clock in the morning. But no. We now have to throw itchy digits into the mix.

08:56 Lindsay discovers happiness is a husband and dog somewhere up a fell, three children in Fifa/Minecraft comas and repeat watching repeats of Toast of London.

10:06 Lindsay somehow does her back in reaching for cheese and onion crisps. She knew she should have gone for the ready salted.

10:32 Lindsay really wishes she’d learnt to pee standing up at some point in her life.

11:36 Lindsay’s getting no sympathy from Ian.

“Just wait till you have to give birth!!”

Lindsay needs to think of another example.

11:45 Lindsay’s still twining.

“I can’t get flat enough.”

“It’s ok. You’re fat enough.”

Lindsay makes a mental note to be unsympathetic when Ian next gets a bad back. Except she knows fine well she’ll have forgotten within the next five minutes.

13:32 Lindsay’s snuck back to bed with her back.

“What you doing Linz?”

“Helping Sam with his apprenticeship application.”

“Ok.”

She’s not. She’s making an Instagram account for Frankie. But Ian’ll never find out because he doesn’t go on Instagram. Or read Lindsay’s blogs.

14:03 Lindsay wonders how she’ll teach tomorrow if she can’t sit down in front of the computer. The only alternative is to stand up and have the kids stare at her crotch all day.

15:21 Sam asks Lindsay how she did her back in. She demonstrates twisting for the wrong crisps. That was quite a stupid thing to do.

16:23 Lindsay’s impressed with this personal statement on the application form. She doesn’t know who this Sam is, but she’d definitely employ him.

16:46 Ian can’t bear Lindsay suffering with a sore back. Chocolate back Ian makes a comeback with his own bad back. Lindsay has a vague feeling she needs to remember something.

17:02 Lindsay displays her supreme hosting skills.

“I cooked so you can all sort your own bloody drinks out!”

18:02 Lindsay decides to get revenge on those crisps by eating them all up. She probably will be fat enough now.

18:19 Ian returns confused from the in-laws.

“Linz?”

“Yeah?”

“You know yesterday when you were cheering every time Hibs scored?”

“Yeah?”

“It was the other team scoring.”

“Oh.”

18:54 Ian is getting wound up by Gemma Collins on the telly. Frankie jumps up on the sofa and changes the channel with his bottom.

“Who’s a clever arse!”

Frankie’s confused. It sounds like an insult and a compliment at the same time.