(Though nobody actually has it.)

10:12 Lindsay finally gets her Christmas present. Ian goes to work.

10:24 Frankie and Lindsay audition for Dancing on Ice as the stupid mutt drags his fearful owner along a frosty path.

12:54 Lindsay hasn’t the energy after the dog walk to pull her jeans over her recently engorged stomach. She’ll leave the waistband where it is à la Justin Bieber until someone significant appears.

13:39 Lindsay’s been bitten by something but she can’t figure out what. It’s certainly not the cleaning bug. Or planning bug. Or spending time with your teenage children bug.

13:53 Abigail makes a fleeting appearance.

“I like your new top Abigail. Did you get that for Christmas?”

“No. It was white then you washed it.”

14:44 Lindsay’s blog is followed in quick succession by a counsellor and a psychotherapist. Lindsay wonders if she should be worried.

15:23 Lindsay is helping Ian with constructing a cupboard.

“Put that circly thing on the right…no..left…no right door then turn the grey thing. Righty tighty.”

15:57 Lindsay does the daily “check the teenagers are still alive” recce mission.

16:44 Joel’s missed daylight for another day.

17:02 Joel appears in the living room. Frankie tries to push him away.

18:01 Joel appears in the kitchen. Lindsay opens the vodka.