(Though nobody actually has it.)

10:13 Lindsay googles what day it is.

10:32 Lindsay forgets to put the recycling out. But it doesn’t matter because Storm Bella has recycled their paper all over the neighbourhood.

11:34 Lindsay wonders who came up with ‘Let sleeping dogs lie.’ There’s no way she’s letting her stupid pooch lie on her new sofa after rolling in muddy grass and bathing in filthy puddles.

13:26 Ian’s complaining that it’s hard just sitting round doing nothing. Lindsay’s not sure why he’s struggling. He has plenty of practice when he goes to ‘work’.

14:12 Lindsay goes to see Abigail.

“Good morning. Are you hungry?”

“No.”

That’s their interaction done for the day.

15:25 Lindsay’s friends mention camping. She deletes them from her contact list.

16:09 Lindsay sets about making her tea. By the time she’s picked at Ian’s turkey, Sam’s Yorkshires, Joel’s pasta and Abigail’s cheese, she’s not hungry anymore.

16:45 Lindsay decides she’ll start being a vegan pescatarian again who has to have cows’ milk with her morning coffee and absolutely needs doner meat when she’s hungover in the New Year.

17:12 Lindsay shouts that tea is ready. Nobody comes running. She thinks they haven’t heard. In reality, they know there’s no need to hurry.

17:22 Ian informs Lindsay they’re having Christmas dinner again on New Year’s Day. FFS. She thought she’d done a bad enough job two days ago so she would never be asked again.

18:08 Joel comes downstairs and Lindsay suggests doing a bit of schoolwork tomorrow. Joel laughs in her face. Lindsay’s looking forward to laughing in his face on results day when he can’t get a job and has to stay at home forever…

“YOU ARE DOING WORK TOMORROW!”