(Though nobody actually has it.)

Christmas Day

09:56 Joel gets some Amazon vouchers and wants to spend them straight away. Sam has a helpful suggestion.

“If I were you, I’d get some revision guides Joel.”

12:34 Abigail’s is hungry and is impatient for her dad to return so they can eat. Lindsay tells her where he is.

“Where’s the horse whittle?”

“He’s passing the hospital!”

13:23 Joel’s impressed with how small the new Xbox is.

“It’ll be neat on my desk.”

“More room for revision guides Joel.”

Joel’s starting to hate his family.

14:23 Everyone’s discussing which shop might be open for bread.

“Why’s it a nicer shop?”

“It’s nee-sa dad, not nigh-sa!”

15:45 Joel’s looking for his knee brace.

“Why do you need that today?!”

“I don’t. I just want to know where it is. It’s lost.”

“I know. It’s with your work ethic.”

16:23 Lindsay is boasting about how clever she was to get the boys’ Xboxes from Europe.

“My only worry though was the plug. I thought we’d have to use a travel adaptor.”

“You might want to think that one through Linz.”

Lindsay has a think. This may take a while.

17,21 The neighbour’s burglar alarm is going off.

“Mam! Shouldn’t we go and check the house is ok?”

“Nope. Don’t like them.”

17:32 Lindsay’s finished thinking.

“Oh yeah.”

18:02 Lindsay is thinking about tonight’s blog. She pours another glass of wine instead.

19:02 Lindsay’s had three glasses.

“Ian! Az gonna comes on the dog walks with you tomorrow Ian! I is Ian!”

Boxing Day

04:02 Lindsay can’t sleep so decides to watch the final episode of The Undoing. She knew Hugh Grant did it. Except when she thought it was the wife. Or the father-in-law. Or the husband. Or the son.

09:23 Ian goes on the dog walk alone.

11:23 Lindsay wonders if eating half a box of After Eight qualifies as having cleaned her teeth. Her breath should smell nice at least.

12:48 Lindsay dares to tidy her bedroom. She finds Abigail’s Christmas list which she gave to her in November.

13:23 Lindsay has to to do the old sniffer test to decide if the knickers on the floor are for the magic filling washing basket or have fallen out of the clean washing basket.

14:43 Lindsay wants to watch Love Actually. Colin Firth is going home for Christmas.

“Which port do you think that is Linz? What do the French signs say?”

“I didn’t catch them but it looks too pretty to be Dover.”

15:31 Lindsay sometimes forgets she’s a pescatarian. Like when she feeds herself pieces of turkey as she makes sandwiches for the carnivores of the family.

16:04 Ian walks into the living room so Sam walks out.

Here’s what happened on Day Six