As recommended by Lindsay Thickett
1. Wake up for no reason at 04:00. Go downstairs to watch a box set to ensure your body clock is absolutely screwed for the rest of the day.
2. After a nana nap at 05:30, google the actress you’ve just been watching. Feel the need to know her entire life story. And, just for good measure, click on all the links for the other actors mentioned on her Wikipedia page to learn about them too.
3. Look at the dog giving you evils because he still needs to empty his bowels and immerse himself in mud. Your blood glucose levels have obviously dropped so, before you go walkies, you need to have a cuppa and packet of crisps first. Or two.
4. Drive for half an hour to reach the most isolated destination you can find because your dog can be an arse at times when he meets members of his own species. Walk aimlessly around without concentrating and find that you’re lost. Follow dog in hope he’s like Lassie and will find your car (or little Timmy down a well). Just as about you’re about to lose the will to live, remember you have a phone which might just show you the way. Meanwhile, the dog’s delighted because the walk has been longer than usual and he’s more shit up that usual.
5. Replenish energy levels with lunch and set about to clean the house. But hang on. It’s 13:17. You can’t possibly start anything at such a random time. You need to wait until at least half past. But you’ve forgotten about an exceedingly good cake which Mr Kipling has left in the cupboard so it’ll have to be 14:00.
6. You give yourself a good talking to and decide to strip the beds. Accidentally you fall into bed seeing as it’s been vacated by husband and just think about stripping the beds instead. Or you will them to strip themselves with telepathy.
7. After telling your daughter to strip her bed, you load her covers into the washing machine, then decide to give yourself a break and look for your kindle which was last seen before lockdown. Or Christmas. You empty your entire drawers looking for it. Fail to find. Locate instead some children’s teeth (once belonging to your own children’s gums) and decide to spend a good while working out which offspring they belong to. Then spot that the kindle is actually on top of your drawers.
8. Randomly remember you’ve knitted 37 squares during lockdown for no reason and are troubled by the fact you’ve stopped on an odd number. Decide to quickly make another to settle your odd number angst. Then decide you prefer multiples of ten and carry on to 40. You begin to wonder why the kids are circling then realise it’s tea time. But it was only 14:00 two minutes ago!
9. Middle child announces he’s returning home with three friends. You have a decision to make. Present them with a clean house or a presentable human. You decide teenage boys won’t notice any dust….or dirt….or dog hairs…so you head for the shower. And somehow fall back into bed en route.
10. It’s been quite a day so you decide you deserve a takeaway. You take a pause from doing nothing to check out menus online. The menus look very like a game of Candy Crush.
Et voilà. Mission accomplished. Learning objective achieved. You are the perfect procrastinator!