(Though nobody actually has it.)
03:02 Joel apologises to his mother for waking her up by giving her a big hug and slapping her sunburn. Damn those child protection laws which stop Lindsay from slapping him right back.
08:21 Frankie wakes up the entire house warding off the evil enemy that is the dustbin van.
08:56 Even the birds in the nest above the conservatory are struggling in lockdown. They’re having a right ding dong.
09:22 Foolishly, Lindsay tries to put on a petite play suit after ten weeks of lockdown. She’s now truly depressed. And looks like she’s with child.
09:59 Lindsay is going to have to stop driving soon because the amount of verbal abuse she is giving people when they don’t say thank you when she stops for them is going to land her in hot water.
10:01 Lindsay chuckles to herself as she watches a mother trying to control her three errant young kids going in opposite directions on their bikes and scooters. She’s laughing because she used to be that mother.
10:13 Frankie has an altercation with the female of his species. However, unlike his human equivalent, he doesn’t back down and gives her a piece of his mind.
10:31 Lindsay is fully prepared for once and has time to quickly cross her legs before she sneezes.
11:04 Lindsay waves at her so called top fan walking up their estate and he ignores her. No mention for him in the blog tonight. Oh hang on……
13:12 Mensa member Joel comes into the garden and stares at the long yellow pipe, emanating from the garage tap with a spray mechanism at the end.
“What’s that for?”
14:34 It suddenly occurs to Lindsay that her kids have been quite well behaved recently. Maybe they’re scared of being featured in the blog. If only she’d started it 15 years ago.
15:03 Lindsay observes Ian on his inversion table and is disappointed. There’s no option to strap him in whilst he’s dangling upside down. People can die that way apparently.
16:34 Lindsay doesn’t cross her legs fast enough.
17:41 Abigail asks the same question as last night.
“Am I in the blog today?”
“Ignore me waving at you and you might make the cut.”
17:56 Lindsay is glad for the latest lockdown rules regarding gardens and houses. Because all she has to show for ten weeks of lockdown is a partially painted fence (aka the Forth Road Bridge) and some ready made planters from B&Q. She’s not sure if she’s washed the kids bedding and the downstairs toilet still has plastered walls two years on.
17:56 Lindsay shuts the book.
And it’s a wrap. All good things must come to an end, although I’m definitely blowing my own trumpet there! Just like the daily Covid figures, life in the Corona House has plateaued and my children have stopped providing me with any fresh, decent material!
Never did I think this would get to double figures, never mind close to 100. Never did I think I would acquire hundreds of new followers. And never did I think it would lead to over 9,000 views with readers from America, Russia, Australia, France (my one French friend from 1995), China, Poland, Holland and Nigeria (although never reaching Greenland will always be a regret!)
Thank you to my top fans, Paul and Lisa, (and Ian but he was forced to pretend he liked it!) and everyone else who has liked, commented and shared. I would say you’re too numerous to mention but that would be a lie 😜. I can concentrate now on students who need to be educated, dogs that need to be walked, children who need to be homeschooled and husbands who need to be parented. I don’t plan on doing an Elvis and making a come back with an expanded, darker, sadder version of the Corona Diaries. Rightly or wrongly, I write for myself and once it becomes like struggling on a treadmill, I want to get off. I could carry on like Elton John and produce distinctly average material for the sake of it or I could retire the diaries gracefully like the superior Billy Joel. As the good man said in his last song, ‘Famous Last Words’, “there will be other words some other day.” Just not about lockdown. And hopefully not tomorrow!