(Though nobody actually has it.)

02:57 Lindsay admits defeat and accepts she’s given birth to vampires/gremlins/borrowers who raid the snack cupboard at stupid hours of the night.

10:01 Lindsay’s surprised when she sees someone down the road wearing a burka. On closer inspection, it’s a man with a tea towel on his head to protect his bald spot from the sun.

10:14 Lindsay reckons she’s lost an inch in lockdown. Not from her waist but from her height. From walking the dog every bloody day. Stay sane, protect the chocolate back, save crumbling spinal discs.

10:23 Lindsay’s mislaid Frankie again and shouts of him. She’s shocked when a completely different Springer jumps out of the woods. It’s clean and dry. She wants that one instead.

11:07 Lindsay thinks she’s clever going on the walk wearing short shorts so she can get a tan on her legs. They have indeed changed colour. They’re now stained red in places from scrambling through bushes.

11:24 Lindsay is thankful for the weather in lockdown. At this rate Ian will be on dog walking duty throughout the entire winter.

11:27 Lindsay suddenly realises that she is like Frankie. Head down, eyes to the floor. Lindsay isn’t sniffing out animals or illegal drugs. She’s just anti social and doesn’t want to acknowledge people.

11:37 Dirty knees and friction burns are a mainstay on walks with Frankie. As in scrambling up banks and the dog pulling on the lead.

13:22 Lindsay wishes her neighbour wouldn’t cook gorgeous meals with all the windows open. Her kids are getting a taste of something they’ll never have.

13:32 Lindsay feels like a contestant on the X-Factor with all the rejections she’s getting from people. She only wants a bloody patio! (To sit on, not for hiding dead bodies.)

14:02 Ian buys an inversion table for his chocolate back. It looks like an instrument of torture. Lindsay’s pleased with the purchase.

14:23 Ian asks for thongs for Fathers’ Day. Lindsay is nearly sick in her mouth.

“I mean flip flops!!”

15:02 Lindsay asks Sam if he fancies washing the car.

“I don’t know how to.”

How can someone who does Further Maths at A-Level be so stupid?

15:34 Joel sets off for a bike ride.

“Put your helmet on!”

“Why are you so caring for a change?”

“You’re not insured yet.”

18:15 Ian appears with a wheelbarrow (he’s pushing it, not in it; his back isn’t quite bad enough yet) and Frankie is terrified. If Carlsberg did dogs, they’d have the one Lindsay saw earlier in the woods.

18:24 Lindsay spots some of Ian’s underpants in the bin. Maybe he wasn’t joking about thongs after all.

18:32 Lindsay sees some of Ian’s underpants in the bin. Maybe he was serious about the thongs after all.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 72