(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:32 Lindsay and Frankie are spooning on the sofa. Lindsay suddenly thinks it doesn’t sound right and googles to check if it’s legal.

08:56 Lindsay panics when Joel announces that he’s broken the Internet.

“Jesus! What have you put on?!”

“Nothing. I’ve tripped the electricity and now I can’t connect to the WiFi.”

09:03 Lindsay’s getting ahead of herself and is discussing with Ian what her author name would be.

“How about Mary Kelly?”

“Nah, it sounds too much like Mary Shelley.”

“Well you have created a monster and he’s broken the Internet apparently.”

09:54 Lindsay is texting a friend in Scotland about John Lewis reopening and her going back. Her phone keeps changing changing ‘work’ to ‘risk’. How apt.

10:59 Lindsay and Ian spot two cyclists going effortlessly up a hill.

“That’s so not like watching you and Tom.”

11:44 Ten minutes into the walk, Ian has to stop and sit down. Frankie is confused what to to. Follow the healthyish, fittish one with a weak bladder or stay with the decrepit has-been.

12:46 Frankie keeps fetching dirty balls into the house. Lindsay keeps throwing them back outside. Frankie isn’t stupid. His owner is because he now has a game going on.

13:34 Lindsay’s getting annoyed cleaning the decking. There’s a mark which won’t budge. Turns out it’s a reflection from a bulb.

14:14 Stocks of ice cubes are running low so Lindsay has a plan.

“I’ll just put them in the Fast Freeze drawer.”

“The what?”

“The Fast Freeze drawer. Things freeze quicker in that drawer.”

“It’s just telling you the freezer does fast freeze. What if you moved that drawer to a different position?”

“Oh yeah.”

14:24 Lindsay phones her mam from her mobile and the landline starts ringing. Typical. Lindsay answers it but there’s no one there. It turns out she’s phoned herself.

14:56 Lindsay is sitting talking to her mam as Ian paints. Once the call ends, Lindsay sits with the phone to her ear playing Candy Crush. Ian’s oblivious.

15:03 Lindsay is proud of herself when she removes a tick from Frankie. She’s confused though why it isn’t moving. Or has legs. It’s a seed.

15:22 Joel gets a reprieve. His English teacher sends a message asking four pupils to attend an online meeting on Monday. They must be in trouble.

“Joel. You must be doing something right. Tracey, Alison and two others have to have a meeting with Mrs Doodah.”

“They’re other teachers Mam!!”

17:45 Ian’s hobbling around like an old man complaining about various body parts and is close to discovering Lindsay’s secret.

“I think someone has a voodoo doll of me.”

“Just the one?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well there’s at least two in this house, four on the estate and god knows how many at work.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 71