(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:03 Lindsay wakes up feeling annoyed and is adamant that Dominic Cummings needs to resign or be sacked. Thanks to him taking an hour not to apologise for his mistakes that he admitted to not making, the BBC had to reschedule Paddington 2 and Lindsay was so looking forward to watching it. For the fourth time.

09:04 Ian and friend (Heath and Jake) head off out (but not out, out) to the tip together (but not together). Lindsay will have to be seen in public with Ian soon. There’s a definite Clark Kent/Superman scenario developing.

10:02 Lindsay decides to do a Dora and go exploring into unknown territory. Except (muddy) Boots buggers off after a deer and (Google) Map fails to load.

10:22 Lindsay wants to scratch her eyes out. She hasn’t got hay fever. A workman by the river has just bent over and exposed his hairy canyon.

10:31 Lindsay’s surprised when she’s gets a notification to say she’s achieved her target steps. She’s puzzled because she’s not even wearing her Fitbit. It turns out a fly has managed to disappear up her sleeve.

10:43 Frankie would make a good politician. His refusal to accept that Lindsay will not throw a rock is astounding.

11:01 Lindsay contacts a gardener who she thinks might be a former pupil. His reply is littered with spelling mistakes so she knows for definite that she taught him.

11:23 Ian is banned from going shopping. Life is so unrealistic at the moment he must think he can buy everything in Tesco plus Fleet Street and pay for it with Monopoly money.

12:54 Lindsay thinks shops could have remained open in Whitehaven. There’s no need for social distancing on King Street because there’s nobody to socially distance from.

14:45 Lindsay’s friends truly know how feckless she is. Within seconds of asking one about garden stones, she’s received a list of links to firms who supply them.

15:01 Lindsay’s at a loss. Abigail is complaining that her finger is sore and there isn’t a wet, blue paper towel to be found.

15:23 Some sadist has let their child out in the garden with a recorder and they’re nowhere near ‘London’s Burning’ standard yet.

16:22 Lindsay suddenly realises that when the rotavator in the garden opposite stops, so does the recorder. She guesses they never would master London’s Burning on a digging machine.

17:09 Joel’s insisting he doesn’t feel well. Lindsay wonders if he has Corona. If so, she’ll have to change the blog’s tag line. Or stop writing it because she should probably look after her son instead.

18:07 Lindsay’s thankful that the kids’ wake up times (ridiculously late), dress sense (pyjamas all day) and work ethic (non existent) are finally acceptable as it’s half term.

18:23 Joel’s made a miraculous recovery. He just wanted someone to make his tea.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 69