Day Sixty-Nine in the Corona House

(Though nobody actually has it.)

02:36 Lindsay is awoken by Ian’s sniffing. She lies awake waiting for this sound to turn into snoring.

02:41 Bingo.

03:00 Lindsay wonders if any hotels are operating an Anne Frank system so Ian can lodge again for work and Lindsay can actually sleep.

05:35 Lindsay hears Joel in the kitchen grabbing snacks. His sleep pattern is like he’s living in Australia. If only…

07:04 Lindsay wakes up having dreamt about being disorganised for Abigail’s birthday. That’ll be reality in 19 days time.

08:32 Lindsay is thankful for her Claudia Winkleman fringe to hide the fact she really looks like Liam Gallagher with her monobrow.

09:01 Lindsay decides she’ll start trying to persuade Sam to go to university. Not for his personal development. For his bed.

09:36 Lindsay tots up how much they’ve spent on takeaways since lockdown. It’s probably a good thing they can’t go abroad this year because they’ve apparently spent their airfares on Chinese and Dominos.

09:51 Ian and Lindsay agree to stage an intervention later to try and get the kids back onto British Summer Time.

10:34 Never mind Bank Holiday. Lindsay reckons today should be renamed ‘Wankers’ Holiday’ as every car driver she comes across seems to have forgotten the Highway Code.

11:05 Lindsay is making a fuss of another Springer spaniel and is chatting with its owner.

“So have you got a dog then?”

“Yeah. Same as you, look……Frankie?…..FRANKIE?!!!!”

13:32 Lindsay spends so long exfoliating, tanning and moisturising after her shower that she’s worked up a sweat and needs to go back in.

13:56 Lindsay does some lunges to get her tights to fit and creates an easy access hole in the process.

14:09 Lindsay realises they’ve forgotten to stage the intervention. They were too busy planning a midweek break to Durham.

14:34 Lindsay torments Joel by hoovering outside his room. She does have nearly 15 years worth of revenge to get.

14:45 Joel staggers into Lindsay’s bedroom and starts babbling.

“It’s jittery and the speed up lag is terrible.”

“Joel. I don’t understand. It’s like you’re speaking a foreign language.”

“See. I can speak one language other than English.”

15:59 Lindsay hears children outside her window. Quicker than the child snatcher on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, she’s up to investigate.

16:23 Lindsay points out her grey fringe to Ian.

“To be fair, I think I’m doing OK. My dad started going grey around the time I was born.”

“That’ll do it.”

16:45 Ian is ‘Micked’. That’s Lindsay for being highjacked by the chatty neighbour. Lindsay might offer him a bribe to do it on a regular basis.

17:23 Ian is confused by Dominic Cummings admitting making mistakes without having done anything wrong but not apologising although he’s made mistakes with his good judgement.

17:26 Lindsay does have some sympathy for Dominic going for a drive to test his eyesight. Lindsay does this every time she gets in the car.

17:34 Lindsay tries to convince herself the plant based product that she’s she eating is in fact doner meat. Now she knows how her kids must feel eating her food.

17:47 Ian gets his daily phone call from Jake Gyllenhall but misses it. Heath is going to have to make it up to Jake now. They arrange to go on a romantic date to the tip.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 68

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