(Though nobody actually has it.)
02:36 Lindsay is awoken by Ian’s sniffing. She lies awake waiting for this sound to turn into snoring.
03:00 Lindsay wonders if any hotels are operating an Anne Frank system so Ian can lodge again for work and Lindsay can actually sleep.
05:35 Lindsay hears Joel in the kitchen grabbing snacks. His sleep pattern is like he’s living in Australia. If only…
07:04 Lindsay wakes up having dreamt about being disorganised for Abigail’s birthday. That’ll be reality in 19 days time.
08:32 Lindsay is thankful for her Claudia Winkleman fringe to hide the fact she really looks like Liam Gallagher with her monobrow.
09:01 Lindsay decides she’ll start trying to persuade Sam to go to university. Not for his personal development. For his bed.
09:36 Lindsay tots up how much they’ve spent on takeaways since lockdown. It’s probably a good thing they can’t go abroad this year because they’ve apparently spent their airfares on Chinese and Dominos.
09:51 Ian and Lindsay agree to stage an intervention later to try and get the kids back onto British Summer Time.
10:34 Never mind Bank Holiday. Lindsay reckons today should be renamed ‘Wankers’ Holiday’ as every car driver she comes across seems to have forgotten the Highway Code.
11:05 Lindsay is making a fuss of another Springer spaniel and is chatting with its owner.
“So have you got a dog then?”
“Yeah. Same as you, look……Frankie?…..FRANKIE?!!!!”
13:32 Lindsay spends so long exfoliating, tanning and moisturising after her shower that she’s worked up a sweat and needs to go back in.
13:56 Lindsay does some lunges to get her tights to fit and creates an easy access hole in the process.
14:09 Lindsay realises they’ve forgotten to stage the intervention. They were too busy planning a midweek break to Durham.
14:34 Lindsay torments Joel by hoovering outside his room. She does have nearly 15 years worth of revenge to get.
14:45 Joel staggers into Lindsay’s bedroom and starts babbling.
“It’s jittery and the speed up lag is terrible.”
“Joel. I don’t understand. It’s like you’re speaking a foreign language.”
“See. I can speak one language other than English.”
15:59 Lindsay hears children outside her window. Quicker than the child snatcher on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, she’s up to investigate.
16:23 Lindsay points out her grey fringe to Ian.
“To be fair, I think I’m doing OK. My dad started going grey around the time I was born.”
“That’ll do it.”
16:45 Ian is ‘Micked’. That’s Lindsay for being highjacked by the chatty neighbour. Lindsay might offer him a bribe to do it on a regular basis.
17:23 Ian is confused by Dominic Cummings admitting making mistakes without having done anything wrong but not apologising although he’s made mistakes with his good judgement.
17:26 Lindsay does have some sympathy for Dominic going for a drive to test his eyesight. Lindsay does this every time she gets in the car.
17:34 Lindsay tries to convince herself the plant based product that she’s she eating is in fact doner meat. Now she knows how her kids must feel eating her food.
17:47 Ian gets his daily phone call from Jake Gyllenhall but misses it. Heath is going to have to make it up to Jake now. They arrange to go on a romantic date to the tip.
Read what happened yesterday on Day 68