(Though nobody actually has it.)

06:12 Lindsay’s bladder decides it’s their turn today to wake her up. Serves her right for not doing her pelvic floor exercises 17 years ago and lying to the midwife about it.

07:02 Frankie knows the drill. Vacate the sofa for his feckless human so she can keep him awake watching another stupid box set.

10:12 Lindsay listens as a group of train drivers struggle to join an online meeting. She wonders how these people are allowed to be in charge of large, powerful, potentially dangerous vehicles. Even 11 year old Abigail can log onto Zoom in seconds.

10:20 Lindsay hears a train driver shout “I’m in now!” Too much information.

10:54 Lindsay laughs as she leaves the house and the meeting still hasn’t started. It would have been quicker to drive to Carlisle to meet.

10:55 Silly Lindsay remembers that they can’t because of the whole social distancing thing.

11:34 Lindsay appears to have become obsessed with poo on her daily walks. She’s intrigued by which droppings have been left by which animal. It’s like she’s the mother of a newborn again, obsessing over colour, texture, size and consistency.

12:03 Lindsay’s adamant that her kids will not be returning to school. It’s not through a concern for their health and well-being. She’s quids in with not having to pay for the school bus.

12:07 Lindsay arrives home. Ian walks out. Result.

12:29 Abigail proudly announces that she’s done some work and points at it stuck to her wardrobe. Lindsay looks.

“It’s a timetable.”

“Yep. So I know what I should be doing.”

“It says here RPE. Which lesson is that?”

“Rubbish, pointless and evil.”

“Not a fan then.”

12:32 Lindsay receives a notification about coursework that’s needed for Joel’s GCSE.

“Joel!!! Have you started this coursework for DT?! It’s 50% of your grade!”

“I don’t do DT!”

“Well what about all this English, Maths, History, German and Science?”

“Yeah, I do those.”

15:32 Try as she might, Lindsay cannot get her Facebook avatar to look tired, aged and fed up.

16:06 Lindsay discovers the Dictate function on Microsoft Word. She gives up when it hears ‘funny bone’ as ‘phony bum’.

18:01 Lindsay starts watching Unforgotten again. Because she’s completely forgotten what happened the first time she watched it a couple of months ago.

18:44 Lindsay and Ian are watching some documentary about babies being born. The new mother is going on about the fantastic support she received from her husband during the birth.

“You never say that I was your rock?”

“Why should I? What did you do for me when I was in labour?”

“I listened to you mooing.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 61