(Though nobody actually has it.)

07:32 Lindsay immediately regrets trying to be organised for once and programming the washing machine to come on. She needs to practise her 24 hour clock because it wasn’t meant to start this early.

09:12 Lindsay gives up trying to sleep and switches the TV on. The first five programmes involve people praying or cooking. She wonders if her family is sending her a subliminal message.

10:34 Lindsay asks Ian if he wants a cuppa.

“Tea or coffee?”

“If you’re making it, tea.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“You’re terrible at making coffee.”

Lindsay goes to make him a coffee.

11:21 Lindsay suddenly remembers why she sent Ian to Morrissons two days ago.

12:16 Lindsay finds herself cooking meals from scratch. Maybe there was some divine inspiration from the TV this morning.

13:01 Lindsay’s sick of hearing about people who’ve achieved loads in lockdown: decorated bedrooms, tidied lofts, built an environmentally friendly power station in the garden. She’s watched four box sets, read half a book and occasionally fed her children.

13:56 Abigail emerges and is already complaining.

“What’s all those strange noises?”

“I’m cooking.”

14:46 As usual, Ian announces what he’s going to do next. He’ll tidy the garage at 15:00 because he can’t possible start anything at an insignificant time. Lindsay wonders if she married a jam eating Rainman.

15:02 Lindsay is actually thankful for the rain. She no longer has to forget to remember to water the outside plants. One less thing she has to worry about keeping alive today.

15:44 Abigail and Lindsay go to cross on the stairs. Except they can’t because it’s forbidden in the Stevenson house as it’s bad luck according to Ian. They must have crossed at some point because they got a Joel.

15:45 Lindsay retreats so Abigail can reach the bottom without crossing on the stairs. Lindsay does worry though about that chain letter she didn’t carry on back in 1986.

“Guess what?”

“You’ve done some work.”

“No.”

Lindsay glazes over as Abigail starts regaling some mind numbing information.

16:04 Lindsay is tidying up and finds the schedule she wrote at the start of lockdown. If she’d done the dusting she was meant to do on day one of week one, she wouldn’t have lost the schedule.

16:08 There’s still no sign of Joel. Lindsay wonders (hopes) if she’ll get away without seeing him today.

16:19 Stupid fecking maternal instinct kicks in and she has to go and check. Now he’s demanding to be parented.

18:44 Joel is getting irate on Fifa and shouting obscenities.

“Joel!! What on earth is the matter?”

“This player isn’t doing what I’m asking him to do.”

“Now you know how your coach feels.”

18:52 Lindsay decides to freshen up and get ready for bed. She then realises she’s been ready for bed since she got up; she’s still in her pyjamas.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 60