(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:34 Lindsay wakes up with a bad head. She decides it’s crisp withdrawal and has some beef McCoys for breakfast.

09:32 Lindsay and Ian are catching up on last night’s Gogglebox. In the first two minutes, an elephant farts and Jenny is snoring.

“It’s like watching you on the telly Linz”

10:05 Lindsay plonks the washing basket next to Ian, who is still ligging in bed, as she sorts the washing. Ian puts his hand on it.

“It’s warmer and more receptive than you.”

10:25 Ian insists he’ll take Frankie for a walk. Lindsay wonders about his chocolate back. If he had a crisp back, she’d probably show more concern.

11:12 Frankie gets amorous with some sheep poo. He really is in deep shit now.

12:34 Lindsay finally decides to do some homeschooling. She’s gonna show the buggers how to fold a towel and how to put bleach down the toilet after yet another poonami.

12:55 Abigail is still in bed five minutes before her dance workshop.

“Abigail!! You’re gonna be late!”

“It’s ok. I’m having a dream about getting up.”

15:47 Lindsay spots a delivery person as she’s painting the fence.

“Can I leave this parcel at 24?”

“I don’t live at 24. This is 20.”

“No. Can I leave this parcel at your door?”

15:58 The sun’s gone in so the solar lights have finally arrived.

16:32 With her 25% hearing, Lindsay hears the Education Secretary asked about schools going back in early August. Lindsay isn’t impressed and tells Ian.

“We can’t possibly go back in August!”

“Do you not think it’ll be safe?”

“I don’t know. But it’s my birthday in August. I never work on my birthday.”

16:37 The Education Secretary is now thanking teachers for everything that they’re doing and to carry on. That’s absolutely fine by Lindsay. She’ll carry on not going into work.

16:38 Gavin tells Lindsay (and the rest of the UK) to stay safe. She’s confused now. She thought she had to stay alert.

17:26 Lindsay successfully squeezes hard and fast (an ear balloon) and cleans out her ears. She screams that she can hear again. No one can hear her because they’re all wearing headphones. Or they don’t care.

17:34 Lindsay goes round and turns all the TVs down now that she can hear. She wonders if there’s a way of turning Ian down or it’ll be the sofa again tonight.

18:05 Lindsay looks dejectedly at her veggie takeaway and tries to remember whose idea this was. She can be really stupid at times.

18:42 Lindsay catches Bucks Fizz performing ‘Making Your Mind Up.” She doesn’t think the lyric about indecision taking you from behind has stood the test of time.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 59