(Though nobody actually has it.)

05:01 Knowing he can’t wake his deaf lugs wife with snoring, Ian takes a different tack and decides to play football in his sleep. He kicks out randomly. Lindsay knows he’s playing football because he is doing lots of pointless running and misses the target (Lindsay) every time.

08:32 Lindsay decides she’ll start a health kick today. She’s sick of drinking bottles of Gaviscon like vodka and giving birth via her anus.

09:24 Whilst lying on the sofa, Lindsay decides to see what all the fuss is about with Joe Wicks. She thought it was great. His baby was lying in his rocker and the daughter was eating a packet of crisps. Lindsay joined in.

09:36 Ian emerges and asks Lindsay if she wants toast.

“No. I’m gonna start being healthy. I’ll have fruit. And three sugars in my cuppa.”

09:44 Ian puts on a video of Frankie barking. He runs outside growling to look for the dog.

09:58 Lindsay is trying to persuade chocolate back Ian to come on a walk.

“ You’ll like it.”

“Why?”

“There’s lots of benches.”

13:05 Joel announces he won’t do his physics work.

“Why? What’s the problem?”

“I don’t know the answers.”

“Fair enough.”

13:33 Ian says he’s gonna throw out a dirty glass.

“No. Just stick some bleach in it.”

“Ok Donald.”

14:06 Joel appears to have changed his mind.

“Mam. Will you help me do a test?”

“Physics?”

“No, the WiFi. My players keep lagging and missing the ball.”

14:32 The Stevensons are getting ready for a doorstep photo. Lindsay practises smiling in the mirror so it looks like she likes everyone.

15:23 Joel asks for help with Animal Farm. Lindsay starts reading chapter 7. When she looks up, Joel’s buggered off.

15:32 Keswick School send a parent consultation about Years 10 and 12 returning to school. She tells them that she’ll keep the Y12 but they can have the Y10.

18:06 Lindsay suddenly jumps up.

“Shit!! I forgot all about Sam’s burnt steak in the oven.”

Five seconds later…

“It’s fine. It’s still only burnt.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 58