(Though nobody actually has it.)

09:01 Lindsay starts a new game of teabag Jenga.

10:14 Frankie has his faults but Lindsay does appreciate how he reverses into bushes to have a shit instead of depositing his excrement on the path.

10:19 Lockdown has seemingly affected Lindsay’s mental health this week. To have a dog come at her from behind, whilst holding a horizontal wooden javelin in his mouth, when she doesn’t have a decent working ear has turned her into a nervous wreck.

11:27 In space, no one can hear you scream. In Lindsay’s house, Lindsay can’t hear the kids at all. It’s great.

11:59 Joel’s reluctant to do schoolwork as usual and isn’t listening to his mother.

“Joel. You need to get good grades if you want to stay on.”

“Well Dad didn’t and he earns way more money that you.”

“Yeah. Well I was pregnant or part time for 16 years while your dad paid for everything. So who’s the stupid one now?”

12:31 Abigail and Lindsay are discussing birthdays and Lindsay asks on which day Abigail’s lands this year.

“The 11th.”

“I know that! I was kind of there at the time!”

12:36 Joel asks if the snacks can be put somewhere secure as he’s constantly tempted to eat rubbish. They’ll need an bombproof bank vault to stop Ian from getting at the chocolate.

14:08 Lindsay’s about to make a cuppa when Sam walks in. She waits until he leaves because he’ll have wanted a cup of tea and she’d have lost the Jenga game with two teabags.

15:21 Lindsay s meant to be going food shopping but Candy Crush has just given her 30 minutes of unlimited freebies. She’s in a dilemma now.

15:56 Lindsay’s only been in Tesco five minute and she’s already sick of stupid people. She sings “I’ve Corona” under her breath to the tune of “My Sharona” to make people scatter.

16:01 Lindsay’s trapped in the ready meals aisle as a couple are deep in conversation at opposite sides about which Pukka pie to buy. Two minutes later, the man realises.

“Sorry. Are you wanting to get past?”

“No. I’m just admiring your arse crack that you seem to have forgotten to cover up” is what Lindsay replies in her head, whilst smiling and nodding.

16:11 Lindsay is beyond fed up and is on the verge of using her teacher voice.

“Right. Stop. Get one behind the other. Stay in single file. We’re in public and you’re showing me up. And you? What makes you so special? Follow the arrows like everyone else.”

16:25 Deaf Lindsay goes to drop off the shopping at her deaf dad’s. This should be fun for her mother.

16:34 Lindsay spots two teenagers on a walk. She knows her boys don’t look alike but these two look like they’re different nationalities. She’s a bit suspicious.

17:01 Lindsay returns and tries to get Ian excited.

“Our brown bin has gone missing!”

Ian looks straight back down at his phone.

18:13 Lindsay does her usual of picking at food as she warms/throws together/defrosts the kids’ teas so she’s lost her appetite.

“What’s for tea Linz?”

“I’ve eaten. Sort your own out.”

18:36 Joel asks Lindsay to make him a drink and she refuses.

“Call yourself a good mother?”

“No. I would say distinctly average. Like your school grades.”

18:47 Lindsay loses teabag Jenga.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 57