(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:02 Lindsay wakes up deaf. The earplugs she’s been using appear to have given her a permanent solution rather than temporary. She’s going to spend the rest of lockdown completely oblivious to life around her. No real change there then.

11:28 Lindsay receives an email from Keswick School about reducing the Year 7 workload. She reckons Abigail’s submission rate may have influenced this decision.

11:29 Lindsay’s setting a new record for keeping Frankie dry and clean. 36 minutes and counting.

11:31 Like an Exocet missile, Frankie zones in on his target. He’ll now need a bath. Or rehoming.

12:12 Joel makes an unscheduled appearance in the kitchen and is clearly hunting for something.

“What are you looking for?”

“Batteries…..That’s strange. There’s no dishcloths in this drawer.”

“I thought you wanted batteries.”

“I do. But where are the cloths?”

“Bottom drawer. Why?”

“Can you give me half an hour first?”

The mam suspicious radar alert is raised to amber.

12:23 Ian is tired of having to shout at Lindsay so she can hear and gives up. Lindsay sees this as a positive.

13:04 Lindsay can’t locate Abigail. She shouts and Abigail tentatively opens the door to Joel’s room.

“What on earth are you doing in there?”

“Making a Tiktok.”

The two little ones are now collaborating against her. The mam radar is heightened to red.

13:06 Ian announces he has to go to work.

13:10 Ian announces he doesn’t have to go to work. Lindsay wonders if Boris Johnson is involved in the running of Ian’s company. He’s clearly been given mixed messages. Stay home. Don’t stay home. Stay home.

13:54 Lindsay’s fed up of Ian suggesting she sticks a paper clip down her ear to see if that helps. Lindsay’s tempted to stick a paper clip in Ian’s eye to see if that helps him realise that she doesn’t want to.

14:00 Lindsay‘s not impressed when she mistakenly drinks the salt water solution which is meant for her ears. She reacts like Simon Bird on Friday Night Dinner. She is also completely unaware that everyone can hear her vulgar review of how the water tasted through the open bedroom window.

14:45 Joel requests the carpet cleaner. Lindsay opts for the ‘Shock and Awe’ tactic and invades his bedroom. He’s had a scented wax disaster. The wax matches his carpet so Lindsay retreats, leaving Joel bewildered.

15:28 Joel’s trying to use hand signals to speak to his mother instead of shouting. Lindsay uses her own hand signal to tell him to stop.

16:01 Lindsay points out that she now has a grey streak in her hair which is a sign of wisdom.

“Isn’t it just a sign that you’re old?”

16:36 Not content with being deaf, Lindsay decides to chew gum so she can give herself trapped wind too.

17:34 Joel and Lindsay sit down to work on a poem.

17:35 Joel and Lindsay fall out.

17:42 Joel begs for forgiveness because he needs help. Lindsay concedes.

17:44 Joel and Lindsay fall out again.

17:46 Lindsay is concerned about the new ‘Stay Alert’ message. She struggles just to stay awake.

18:57 Ian’s going to the kitchen.

“Would you like some grapes?”

“Yes please. In the form of wine.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 54