(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:02 Lindsay wakes up to a glaring grammatical error on yesterday’s photo. She blames the vodka she was planning on drinking before she typed it and the vodka she drank afterwards so she didn’t check it.

09:23 Lindsay has spent the last three days complaining that she has lost things: earphones, phone case, spatula, marbles, will to live.

10:12 Ian comments on last night’s photo.

“I’m leaving you when you look like that. So that’ll be roughly next week.”

10:42 Most of the lost items begin to turn up. The spatula is in the dishwasher, the phone case is on the bed, the earphones are in a drawer. Lindsay’s obviously been having a man look.

11:32 Having located the spatula, Ian is surprised it hasn’t moved.

“Is there a reason you still haven’t taken the spatula out of the dishwasher?”

“Is there a reason you’re still here?!”

12:05 Joel overhears Lindsay asking Abigail if she’s ok.

“You never ask me.”

“You’re still breathing. You’re fine.”

13:22 Lindsay has the strangest feeling ever. She appears to have finally acquired a bit of motivation.

14:23 Joel is worried by someone knocking on the door and frantically ringing the doorbell. It’s only Ian.

“ I thought it was someone trying to break in.”

“Is that what burglars do Joel?! Announce their arrival?”

14:23 Lindsay gets a new follower on Instagram after yesterday’s photo – Soltan Suncare. They obviously think Lindsay really is old and wizened. She certainly feels it after six weeks home with Joel.

14:46 Lindsay can’t get Proud by Heather Small out of her head. She looks at her kids and sings, “What have you done today to make me feel proud.” followed by “Absolutely nothing!”.

15:01 Lindsay is trying to get Joel to engage in VE Day. He tries to impress his mother.

“Did you know there is a street in Carlisle named after Winston Churchill.”

“No. Why’s that?”

“His mother used to live there.”

“Really? I didn’t know that.”

“Oh hang on. Was Winston Churchill the American president?”

FFS.

15:22 Lindsay is still trying to get Joel interested. She is going on about the sacrifices people made.

“Millions died so that you don’t have to speak German.”

“Can I use that as an excuse for failing my German GCSE then?”

16:01 Lindsay almost makes herself laugh be deciding to do some gardening. She can’t find any tools anywhere. She’s now pruning with kitchen scissors and digging with a soup ladle.

17:23 Motivated Lindsay moves on to making her world famous cheese flan but she can’t find the measuring jug. Then she remembers she was just using it as a watering can.

17:25 Lindsay misinterprets blind baking as reading the recipe without her glasses on. The pastry appears to have blown up.

17:43 Joel announces that he’s cracked his physics work.

“Oh well done Joel. You have made me proud today. You just needed to try a bit harder.”

“ My friend sent me the answers.”

FFS.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 50