Day Fifty in the Corona House

01:55 Lindsay thinks she may have given birth to Gremlins. Snacks, copious amounts of water and light from their TV screens make them go crazy after midnight.

02:01 Lindsay gives up and comes downstairs to watch Death on Nile. Maybe Agatha Christie will give her some inspiration. To kill, not to write.

08:55 Lindsay’s more confused than normal when she gets in the car. She’s used to not knowing which day it is, but the dashboard display says it’s 22 degrees so now she doesn’t know which country she’s in.

09:01 Lindsay is struggling on the morning walk and she doesn’t understand why. She’s healthier that ever – fruit (Raspberry vodka), vegetables (crisps), herbs (Lime and Coriander poppadoms), water (ice cubes for vodka) and vitamins (vitamin D when she sunbathes).

09:35 Lindsay is loving this weather as Frankie is still as dry as a bone and clean as a whistle.

09:43 Frankie runs past a muddy puddle. These really are strange times. Even the dog has stopped giving her blog material.

09:44 The little shit.

09:46 Lindsay gives up playing Fetch with the dog because he’s useless. She’s just gonna play with herself instead.

10:19 Lindsay vigorously washes her hands after the dog walk. She now needs the toilet. She relieves herself and washes her hands. She needs the toilet again. She may be a while.

12:03 Lindsay decides to furlough the kids. They’re still getting pocket money and doing bugger all to deserve it. Including schoolwork.

12:52 Abigail has reorganised her room since lockdown. She’s got a new place for her knickers. It’s called the floor.

13:43 Joel’s complaining to Lindsay that she didn’t wake him up early enough.

“I prefer you when you’re unconscious.” Lindsay didn’t meant to say that out loud.

14:19 Ian is not impressed at Lindsay’s warm welcome when he returns from work. She’s got grey paint up both nostrils and she gurns at him like a competitor at Egremont Crab Fair as she struggles to hear what he’s saying over next door’s lawnmower.

14:40 Lindsay washes paint from her hands. She’ll remember to add Tena Lady to the shopping list once she’s stops washing and pissing.

16:03 Lindsay announces she needs to cut her fringe. Ian grabs some scissors and starts chasing her. Lindsay can’t decide if he wants revenge for his monk haircut or just wants to kill her.

16:22 Lindsay starts to wash her hands before making tea. FFS.

17:01 Lindsay isn’t jealous at all as she serves her kids crispy roast duck while she has hard, hoisin soya protein to look forward to. She intermittently shouts ‘murderer’ at them to make herself feel better.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 49

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