(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:01 Lindsay is woken by Google Classroom going into overdrive. It’s like all her kids’ teachers have come together en masse to kick her out of bed. Meanwhile, her kids are oblivious, asleep in their beds.

08:02 Lindsay gives in and retreats to the kitchen to discover there isn’t enough milk for her to have a cuppa and for Joel to have breakfast. She’s sure he’ll like chocolate milkshake on his Crunchy Nut, as she grabs a teabag.

08:42 Lindsay wants OCD Ian to do the food shop so she arranges the tea cups in the correct places to put him a good mood.

09:32 Joel tries to stop Frankie going into the water. Has he not met this dog before? His knowledge of Springers is evidently as rubbish as his knowledge of German verb conjugations. Or any German words.

10:46 Lindsay chuckles quietly to herself as she places leaning towers of clean washing outside the kids’ bedrooms. She’d love to see them trip over the piles and slam dunk into the walls opposite. Should she be thinking these thoughts?

11:22 Lindsay is playing Tetris with food boxes in the freezer. She can’t win though because she’s refusing to sacrifice the ice cubes essential for her vodka for a packet of turkey dinosaurs.

11:22 Joel goes for a quick shower before schoolwork.

11:55 Lindsay is concerned Joel won’t have any epidermis left as he’s still in the shower.

12:12 Lindsay experiences pure, unadulterated, exhilarating joy. She’s opened the oven to discover there’s still some of last night’s Chinese left. She could cry.

12:31 Joel starts choking. Thirty seconds later, Lindsay remember she’s meant to show some concern.

12:38 Ten minutes of frantic notifications from Joel’s chemistry teacher. Lindsay wonders if he’s got that bored in lockdown that he’s manufactured his own speed in his lab and is currently testing it, hence this manic period of work coming through.

13:01 Because of his lack of work effort, Lindsay decides to hide Joel’s phone. This is pointless really because Lindsay’s been trying to hide from him for years and he always finds her.

13:24 Abigail wants her hair straightened.

“Why? Going somewhere nice?”

“No! Don’t be stupid.”

“Will it make you do any schoolwork?”

“No.”

“Well you stop being stupid then.”

13:55 Lindsay wonders how she managed to produce three unmotivated children. When she was at school, all work was completed with maximum effort and she stuck religiously to her colour coded timetables. And when their dad was in school, on the days when he bothered to turn up…..and therein lies the answer.

13:58 Abigail catches Lindsay straightening her hair.

“Why are you straightening your hair?”

“Because I’m phoning my parents in a bit.”

“Video calls?”

“No, normal.”

“Who’s being stupid now?”

14:08 The little shit (aka Joel on the rare good days) realises he can call his phone from his Apple Watch. He finds it. See. Pointless.

15:47 Lindsay wonders if parents can divorce children or is it just the other way round?

16:23 Lindsay is sorting out Sam’s washing. She’s not sure when it happened but he’s obviously the man from Milk Tray.

17:23 Lindsay is slightly disconcerted to see all her baking equipment in a box in the garage (she’s had to go to retrieve some turkey dinosaurs from the outside freezer). It’s like Ian doesn’t want her to bake for some reason.

18:34 Lindsay temporarily changes the daily planner board into a large shopping list. She might as well, since going to Tesco’s is the only daily event going on in her house. Her kids must have dramatically increased their calorific intake since lockdown, what with all the football they’re playing (FIFA) or outdoor games they’re enjoying (Roblox).

Read what happened yesterday on Day 47