(Though nobody actually has it.)

01:01 Lindsay thinks Ian may be allergic to her. He only seems to sniff when she’s in the room. And trying to sleep.

09:43 Frankie’s getting impatient with Lindsay for his walk.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be out by 10:00.”

09:44 Candy Crush gives Lindsay unlimited lives again.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be out by 11:00.”

11:32 Lindsay walks down a hill, waving her arms like Bez from the Happy Mondays, hoping this will help Frankie choose whether they go left or right when they reach the bottom. He just stares at her and wishes the non-crazy lady had picked him and not his brother.

11:37 Lindsay gives a man the shock of his life when she reaches into the bulging poo bag she’s carrying. She’s been collecting pine cones but he obviously thinks she’s about to throw her dog’s own shit back at him.

12:01 Lindsay arrives back to find an exasperated Ian in the garage. The toilet’s blocked and he can’t find the plunger. Two shelves, a packet of nails and a clock have all fallen on his head. Obviously Lindsay’s to blame for everything. Lindsay may just retrieve Ian’s turd from the toilet using a poo bag and throw it in his face.

12:32 Ian’s talking about face masks. To protect him against Covid-19, not Lindsay throwing poo at him.

“I think we should buy some just in case it’s recommended to wear them.”

“I’m sure I could knock us some up.”

“Like I said, I think we should buy some.”

13:27 Lindsay’s thinking back to week 1 of lockdown -cleaning, baking, reading, gardening, walking. Fast forward to week 6 and she feels accomplished if she gets dressed before midday.

13.34 Lindsay’s reading yesterday’s blog and realises she’s misquoted Ian. He would never use the word ‘sincerely’.

13:34 Lindsay needs to try and keep the homeschooling ball rolling.

“Joel come and do some work. What’s today?”

“Physics.”

“On second thoughts, you take the day off. You worked hard for 30 minutes yesterday.”

14:47 Lindsay gets excited when she sees Joel’s name mentioned amongst the student successes on Keswick School’s bulletin. It turns out it’s for designing an XBox cover. And it’s a Joel Stephenson in Year 8. So close. For a brief moment, she was proud.

14:48 If Lindsay sees one more name from Abigail’s form amongst these success stories she’s gonna scream. And start working her kids to the bone…. From Monday.

15:01 Ian’s chuntering again.

“Am I the only person who can empty the bin?”

“Yes.”

17:42 Lindsay’s remembers to make tea for the kids and lets Joel choose the type of pasta, although Lindsay doesn’t quite understand why there appears to be a choice. Pre lockdown, it was get what you’re given!

“You can have either penne, farfalle or conchiglie?”

“What are you on about?!”

Big sigh. “Tunnel, butterfly or shell?”

“I want twirly.” FFS.

18:57 Lindsay starts on the vodka. She’ll next be seen on Sunday.

Read what happened yesterday in Day 44