(Though nobody actually has it.)

06:32 Lindsay texts Ian from the other side of the bed to see if the notification will jolt him out of his piglike snoring. It works!

09:23 Abigail thinks it’s hilarious to chase her mother on the beach with outstretched, dirty hands. She won’t find in funny when she’s older like Lindsay and is regretting not wearing a Tena lady today.

09:42 Lindsay asks Frankie to leave the ball. He takes offence and leaves altogether. To the opposite of the beach.

11:00 Lindsay struggles to keep her composure during the minute’s silence when Ian appears with his Lego character haircut.

11:17 The hairdressers reopens as Ian wants his hair sorted or a refund.

“On your hair be it, Ian!”

11:18 Ian and Lindsay aren’t speaking.

13:12 Lindsay had an existentialist crisis. She’s completely forgotten how to put petrol in her car after six weeks. Well, not exactly existentialist but she made a right prat of herself.

14:17 Ian takes revenge on Lindsay for his wonky blending by watching some episodes of Afterlife without her. If he carries on sulking, Lindsay will send him to the bloody afterlife.

15:25 Lindsay puts Monopoly back on the coffee table after dusting it. They haven’t been playing it. It’s just to fool visitors into thinking the Stevensons do things as a family.

15:44 Lindsay wonders how the conservatory windowsills have become so dirty. Then Lindsay thinks maybe not cleaning them since last year might have something to do with it.

16:01 Abigail’s late for her dance class. In the living room.

16:02 Joel is late for life in general.

16:04 Joel’s hair is cut. He now looks like the delinquent he’s always been.

16:09 Lindsay does a jigsaw. Not an actual jigsaw. She’s taken off the corner sofa cushions to hoover them and can’t for the life of her work out how they go back on.

17:02 Lindsay’s missing tomato purée for her sauce. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place. Use ketchup so the colour is right or go without so the colour is wrong. She chooses appearance, overdoses the pasta with a cheese topping and crosses her fingers.

17:12 “This tastes funny!” FFS.

18:34 Sam returns from walking the dog and Ian is nice to him.

“Cuppa or beer Sam?”

“Vodka!” Lindsay screams from the living room.

See what happened yesterday on Day 41