(Though nobody actually has it.)

07:09 Lindsay manages to sleep through the night. However, she’s disappointed not to get the same reaction as she gave her three newborns when they managed it.

11:01 Lindsay wonders what Abigail’s reaction will be to her mother wearing shorts.

“Why are you wearing a tiger print fanny pack?!”

“Excuse me?!….Well I was looking in the closet for my sneakers and came across it. So after visiting the restroom, I put it on so we could have some cookies and candy on the walk!!”

“Ok.”

11:02 Whilst walking the dog, Lindsay sees some very old “parents” walking with their extremely young “children”. She guesses they must have visited one of those doctors in Italy who let women get pregnant at 71.

12:01 Joel comes downstairs.

“Hello my favourite child.”

“Are you saying that because you forgot to feed me yesterday?”

“Err…yes.”

10:49 Lindsay and Ian are arguing about who should go shopping today. Ian with his Jedward hair or Lindsay with her milky white legs. Ian says Lindsay can wear jeans. Lindsay admits there’s probably not a cap in the house big enough to contain Ian’s mound of hair.

12:04 Lindsay is starting to wonder if there’s actually anything wrong with chocolate back Ian, seeing as he claims that he can’t possibly walk the dog anymore. She suspects he secretly enjoys being a middle-aged housewife.

13:31 Lindsay promises Joel she’ll help with his German work after she’s been to the toilet. She sneakily doesn’t flush and goes to lie on the bed. That should give her half an hour until he notices.

13:58 Joel still thinks his mother is on the toilet.

14:02 Joel notices.

14:03 Lindsay tries to resurrect her 28 year old German A-level to help Joel. So far, so good. In fact, she’s sadistically enjoying conjugating ‘haben’ and ‘sein’ again and turns to tell Joel. The little shit has buggered off and left her to it!!

14:47 Lindsay gets the fright of her life when she walks into the under stairs cupboard. She remembers it’s now her study but Joel is actually working in there!

16:27 Ian arrives home.

16:28 Lindsay pours milk down the sink and tells Ian he needs to pop out for some. She’s had enough of him already.

16:29 Lindsay can’t open the vodka so she phones Ian to hurry home.

16:31 Joel asks Lindsay what she’s making.

“School cheese flan.”

“Is that what the smell is?”

“What smell?”

“Orange juice.”

After one vodka, Lindsay checks she hasn’t grated an orange instead of cheese.

16:32 Ian arrives back. Frankie is delighted to see him. At least somebody is.

16:33 Lindsay lies to Abigail that she’s only drinking lemonade. Abigail doesn’t believe her one bit.

18:17 Lindsay must remember there are windows open now when she’s screaming at her kids.

18:21 Ian is getting fed up of the insults in Lindsay’s blog so Lindsay promises to think of something nice thing to say.

18:31 Lindsay reads the weekly bulletin from her kids’ school about outstanding pupils in each subjects. She’s not surprised to see that none of her lazy arses feature.

18:45 Today’s blog is finished. Lindsay said she would promise to think of something nice to say about Ian. She never said she’d guarantee she’d come up with anything.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 37