Day Thirty-Four in the Corona House

(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:09 Lindsay is woken up by notifications from the kids’ school about set work. Stupid teachers. Don’t they know it’s the school holidays?……Isn’t it?

09:04 Abigail appears in the living room, sits for a couple of minutes, witters something about turnips then disappears. One of them is possibly hallucinating.

09:16 Lindsay is showing Ian which parts of the fence she’ll paint later by raising her arm sharply and diagonally. Ian wonders when his wife became a Nazi.

09:24 Lindsay moans that her shorts are still in the loft. Ian says the world is not ready yet to see her milky white legs.

09:29 The sun shines on the oven door and highlights the dirt and fingerprints. Lindsay sorts the problem. She hangs a tea towel over the door handle.

11:35 Lindsay finds some of Sam’s Maths A-Level homework in the conservatory. She reckons she picked up the wrong baby in hospital.

11:46 Lindsay is moaning about something else as Ian returns from Tesco with essential items. He waves a bottle of raspberry vodka in front of her.

“Drink!”

12:12 Lindsay isn’t concentrating as she sorts out lunch. She gives Frankie her vegan sausage roll and beef McCoys while she has a bowl of tripe. Frankie is appalled.

13:34 Things still aren’t going well. Lindsay is chuntering to herself about needing a routine on the way to the bathroom. She puts the toilet lid down then sits down for a poo. Things really aren’t going well.

14:45 Lindsay wonders how people in sunny countries clean their houses. Her house is a shit tip. On the plus side, the fence looks fantastic.

16:09 Lindsay curses as she catches her foot in a Frankie-dug hole and falls over. He’s chuffed though because she’s found his orange ball.

16:32 Lindsay’s moaning to the kids about their lack of routine.

“Are you gonna change your routine of Candy Crush and Facebook then?”

17:01 Lindsay’s been phoning her students to check they’re doing OK. They’re all working hard. Lindsay looks around. Joel is mesmerised by a fly, Abigail is pouring water into a toilet roll and Sam is….

“Has anyone seen Sam today?”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 33

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