(Though nobody actually has it.)

10:11 Lindsay asks Ian to get her summer clothes out of the loft.

“Yeah, like they’re gonna fit you now.”

10:34 Chocolate knee Joel comes on the walk today. He develops a chocolate ankle en route. If he carries on, Ian’s gonna break him into little pieces and eat him.

11:10 Joel is traumatised when he sees a bit more of Frankie than he’s used to seeing.

“That is why dogs should wear clothes!!”

11:17 Joel is talking to Lindsay about growth problems. Lindsay isn’t listening properly.

“So who’s your friend?”

“What?”

“Who’s your friend who isn’t growing?”

“Fringe! My fringe isn’t growing!”

“Oh.”

11:21 Lindsay tells Joel she can’t see the other dog who is barking.

“It’s Frankie’s echo, Mam.”

“Oh.”

12:26 Lindsay serves up scrambled eggs which remind her of baby diarrhoea. She just sticks some cheese on top and hope nobody notices.

12:35 Ian’s credit card bill comes in the post. Luckily there’s nothing to pay because Lindsay has budgeted to pay nothing.

12:51 Lindsay accidentally plunges her hands into boiling water and screams. No-one comes running. Even Frankie doesn’t budge. She’ll get revenge on the buggers by not serving up a radioactive ready meal for tea.

13:06 Sam ‘Michael Jackson’ Stevenson manages to fit his auburn Afro through the door for his daily foray out of his room for food.

14:45 Chocolate back Ian watches jealously as Lindsay squats to paint the bottom of the fence. He’s having to lie flat on his back like an overgrown, hairy baby.

15:05 Lindsay’s wearing earphones as she paints. She’s not listening to music. It’s just to discourage Ian from talking to her. Every now and then, she warbles a line from an Eighties hit so he remains oblivious.

15:34 Ian farts as he walks past Lindsay. It’s fine though, because she’s listening to music so won’t hear.

16:34 Lindsay asks Abigail to come for her nutritious, balanced, lovingly prepared tea.

“ Which do you want? T-Rex, Triceratops or Brontosaurus?”

17:03 Lindsay knows she hasn’t got enough for her blog.

“Ian, say something funny.”

“You’re a great wife.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 31