(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:55 Abigail gets up ready to start learning. Lindsay tells her there’s an important assembly first lesson and to come back in half an hour.

11:14 Abigail’s lost the plot and is playing Pooh sticks with two penguin biscuits she’s fetched on the walk for breakfast.

11:22 Abigail falls knee deep into the river. The devoted mother that is Lindsay laughs hysterically and takes photos.

11:28 Lindsay makes the mistake of eating a Penguin biscuit whilst walking up a hill. She has to choose between eating and breathing. She chooses eating.

11:31 Lindsay insists that Abigail does some Maths today. As in measuring the garden furniture so Lindsay knows what size cover to buy from Amazon.

12:01 Abigail is trying to persuade Lindsay to love all dogs. Lindsay argues about dogs who hurt people which Abigail rejects. Lindsay is confused.

“Why’s it Fiona’s fault?”

“Not Fiona. The owner! It’s the owner’s fault, not the dog’s!”

That makes sense now to Lindsay.

12:35 Ian’s walking past the window cutting the grass.

Joel: What’s dad doing?

Me: Having a bath.

Five seconds later…

Joel: Why’s he doing it again?

Me: There’s a legend around these here parts that grass grows.

Joel leaves the room.

14:54 Ian’s hair seems to be growing upward. He’s giving Jedward a run for their money.

15:15 Frankie sees the two boys having a civil conversation. Now he knows something is wrong in the world.

15:42 While painting, Lindsay treats the neighbours to a rendition of ‘Animal Nitrate’. She’s not sure if they’re impressed or not. There was no applause for Lindsay.

16:01 In more serious developments, Sam’s Afro is making a reappearance.

16:47 Lindsay is thankful the kids have actually done some schoolwork today. Abigail has built a fort (Design and Technology) and Sam has walked the dog (P.E). Lindsay doesn’t know what Joel has done but he hasn’t been sent out of the room, internally excluded or expelled.

17:02 Lindsay starts to self medicate. She’s doing a 100 question pub quiz later with her dad via YouTube and FaceTime. Alcohol will get her through this.

17:06 Lindsay is persuaded to reward the kids for generally leaving her alone with a takeaway.

“What are the choices Mam?”

“Any where I don’t have to communicate with a human.”

17:19 Joel asks if he can have extra strippers with his order. Lindsay’s not sure what he’s on about but Ian’s keen that she tries to sort it.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 30