(Though nobody actually has it.)

08:15 There’s been a sudden poomageddon in the garden. Lindsay pretends not to see it, just like her entire family pretends not to see things on the stairs which need taken up.

10:00 Lindsay is dog walking today with Chocolate Knee Joel. He announces he’s going to train the dog to stop pulling on the lead. He gives up after 2 minutes. Pretty much like Lindsay gave up trying to train Joel not to pull on his reins.

10:51 Lindsay and Joel are in a wood full of sticks. Yet they have to stand for 4 minutes while Frankie shortens one to the perfect size, long enough to whack human legs but short enough to fit through gaps in the trees.

11:23 Lindsay is telling Ian how her and Joel had to go off piste on their walk and scramble through long grass and brambles to reach the river.

“Didn’t we Joel?”

“We walked down a clear path on the hill Dad.”

He’s out of the running to be today’s favourite.

12:45 Lindsay’s seriously fed up of having to deal with stupid.

13:14 Lindsay helps Abigail with her Science.

“Ooh I know this. I did this with my class.”

Abigail gets 0 out of 4.

13:50 Lindsay sends a text without wearing her glasses. She sounds like the French policeman from ‘Allo ‘Allo. That’s the most French she’s sounded in 25 years.

15:58 Lindsay almost signs up for NYCS2020 when she sees it on Facebook. She loves the Big Apple. Turns out it stands for National Youth Climate Summit. And it’s on YouTube, not in New York.

15:45 Lindsay asks Joel to stop pumping.

“I’m not! It’s a lawnmower starting up outside!”

16:40 Lindsay tells Abigail she sounded like an elephant during her dance lesson.

“Eh? I don’t know how to trumpet!”

16:49 Lindsay tells Ian that she reckons she’s got a slight tan from all the dog walks.

“Nah. You’re probably just dirty.”

16:55 Lindsay thinks about tea and opens the fridge. Everything in there needs cooked. She shuts the door and grabs a packet of crisps.

16:56 Lindsay’s feels like she’s living through a remake of Brokeback Mountain between Ian and his work fwend. They can’t go a day without speaking. Lindsay finds this strange as she would happily go a day without speaking to Ian.

17:03 Lindsay is inside wearing jeans and a thick hoodie. Ian is outside in T-shirt and shorts. Lindsay wonders if Ian would contemplate living in a tent until lockdown ends.

17:05 Lindsay and Ian are watching the news. Three more weeks of lockdown with Joel. Lindsay is starting to feel like a character from a Jean-Paul Sartre play. Miserable and trapped. Not French.

17:16 Lindsay asks Ian if he wants any tea.

“What’s the choices?”

“Yes and fecking no!”

17:29 Lindsay announces the lockdown extension to Joel.

“Three more weeks with Mammy, Joel!”

“I want to go back to school.”

Three more weeks to avoid Monopoly.

18:05 Lindsay’s still thinking about what to have for tea.

“I wonder what cheesy chips are like?”

“Chips with cheese on Linz”

Lindsay’s gonna empty the shed tomorrow and lock Ian in it.

18:48 “Shit! Has anyone seen Sam today?!”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 29