(Though nobody actually has it.)

09:01 Lindsay tries to kickstart a new routine. She starts by playing Candy Crush and swearing at the dog.

09:57 Lindsay contemplates all the things she has learned since lockdown. Why Anthony Eden resigned (The Crown). How to read bar charts (Constant news programmes). Jewish customs (Friday Night Dinner). Rankings of senior police officers (Line of Duty). Scottish language patterns (The Nest). Prince Harry being illiterate (The Windsors, but she’s not sure about the accuracy of that one).

10:17 Lindsay’s fingernails are actually a decent length for once. She’s evidently not been doing enough cleaning.

10:31 Frankie takes umbrage that Lindsay hasn’t thrown a single stick or stone. He rolls around in moss and mud so she has to take him back to the river for a clean. Arsehole.

10:54 Lindsay’s first rugby league idol crosses the road for her. She’s immediately transported back to 1984 when the 10 year old Lindsay loved nothing more than to watch men with big thighs run up and down in front of her.

11:05 Lindsay bites all her nails off. Now she looks like she’s been cleaning.

12:02 Joel asks Lindsay to make his breakfast.

“And give me a ring when it’s ready.”

Probably not today’s favourite child.

12:50 Ian returns from the weekly shop and forgets one of the basic essentials. Vodka.

12:53 Ian decides to make scrambled eggs for lunch. By throwing a box on the floor.

15:24 Ian finally goes to work. Lindsay stops her pretend work, grabs her Easter egg and plonks herself on the sofa.

16:01 Lindsay laughs sadistically as she tells Joel today is the last day of the holidays.

“It’s your last day too then.”

Doh.

17:57 Sam’s out of the running to be today’s favourite. He sits on the squeakiest chair in the kitchen. Every time he cuts his steak cack-handed, it’s like someone is scraping their nails down a blackboard. No, definitely not the favourite child today.

18:12 Lindsay is messaging her friend who mentions how her other half took a chainsaw, an axe and a can of Fosters into the garden and went mad. She’s given Lindsay an idea. Not about the garden though.

18:21 Abigail asks if she’s today’s favourite.

“You could well be.”

“Oh, what do I have to do?”

“Leave the room.”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 26

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