(Though nobody actually has it.)

06:45 Lindsay tries to pretend it’s a real school day, by rolling over and crying that she doesn’t want to go to school today.

07:59 Ian’s work colleague phones him most upset. Lindsay ate some vegan snacks which he’d bought for his little Ian and she didn’t mention it in yesterday’s blog. Lindsay decides train drivers are so touchy.

08:16 Lindsay is still sat in her PJs waiting for Next to open its online shop. Her bank account (containing Ian’s money) is about to take a hammering.

08:17 Lindsay discovers Next have opened and shut their online shopping again in the blink of an eye. She’s just gonna go back to bed now and tell Ian how much money she’s saved. Because in her head, she has.

09:05 On today’s dog walk, Abigail is pulled to Moresby in record time by her aunty’s cocker spaniel, stopping to have seven poos on the way. The dog that is, not the girl. Abigail is not impressed.

09:25 Abigail is desperate for her own poo. Lindsay tries to persuade her to find a bush and go wild. Abigail’s scared her mother will stand behind her, watching with a black poo bag waiting for her to finish.

10:05 Ian sends Lindsay a photo of his overtime enriched payslip. She’s gonna have to be nice to him now for a couple of hours. Then spend his money.

11:06 The water pressure suddenly drops as Lindsay is in the shower. Looks like Ian has finally learnt how to use the washing machine.

12:15 Lindsay stands on the fence to talk to her dad. His essential journey is to collect a piece of hosepipe.

13:00 Lindsay finally starts her schoolwork.

13:15 Lindsay has a tea break.

14:42 Lindsay’s going to start playing the EuroMillions and, if she wins, she is going to compensate every teacher who’s ever had the misfortune to have Joel in their class. Five minutes of homeschooling him and she’s beaten.

15:32 Sam starts sniffing which annoys the hell out of Lindsay.

“Stop sniffing!”

“What if it’s Corona?”

“I don’t care. If you carry on, I’ll kill you before any pandemic does.”

15:42 Lindsay realises the only verbal contact she’s had with Sam today is to tell him to stop squeaking (he’s not the Tin Man; he always chooses the noisiest kitchen chair) and stop sniffing. She’ll engage with him after some games of Candy Crush. And an episode of The Crown. And maybe a nap.

15:55 Abigail has been avoiding school work all day, pretty much like her mother. When she’s told she has a dance lesson in 5 minutes, she’s washed, dressed and downstairs quicker than a rat up a drainpipe.

18:32 Lindsay develops a sudden interest in a newborn deer calf at Longleat. It doesn’t survive the night. And Lindsay still doesn’t have vodka to drown her sorrows.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 27