(Though nobody actually has it.)
01:47 Lindsay is woken by all three Stevenson males emptying their bladders and filling their water bottles, as if they’re going to be doing a workout or playing a football match through the night. She schedules the production of three voodoo dolls later in the day.
02:54 Ian must be missing driving trains because, in his sleep, he re-enacts the sound of a Class 37 engine, forcing Lindsay to sleep downstairs.
08:01 Lindsay wakes up as fresh as a slightly wilted daisy. So as not to disappoint her reading public of 2, she didn’t overindulge in the red wine last night. That’s a lie. After one glass, it tasted like vinegar and she couldn’t be bothered journeying to the kitchen to pour a vodka.
10:05 Lindsay and Ian manage a civilised conversation.
10:36 Abigail decides to impress Lindsay with her repertoire of nursery rhymes. Except in her version, Humpty Dumpty stuffs black banana skins down her dance teacher’s pyjamas.
11:07 Abigail, the young, supposedly nimble, agile dancer has stumbled, tripped or fallen over 14 times on the walk. Lindsay, the middle-aged, unfit, uncoordinated adult has stayed upright the entire time. Even when Frankie tried to kneecap her.
13:02 Ian serves Lindsay over cooked quiche and still frozen chips. This is war.
14:12 Lindsay finds herself binge watching Eighty Days Around The World with Michael Palin. The first time she saw the series, she was housebound, revising for her GCSE mocks in 1989. The second time, she was bedridden with morning sickness in 2002. She obviously has a thing about watching a python travelling the globe when she can’t go anywhere. Lindsay reckons she’s a little bit twisted.
14:30 En route to cleaning Joel’s bedroom, Lindsay somehow falls into bed and enjoys a little siesta. One hour later, Joel is confused as to why his room is still filthy.
15:03 Lindsay sees a wasp hovering above her.
“What can you possibly do to me that’s any worse than being in lockdown with Joel?!”
15:46 Sam asks Lindsay to wash his bedding. Finally his sense of smell is no longer in denial and has been kickstarted into action.
15:54 Joel’s shocked when Lindsay says she’ll put his clean bedding on in an hour or so.
“Well, it normally takes a few days. You’ve got to take off the bedding, wash the bedding, dry the bedding then put it back on.”
“ Yeah, that’s not normal Joel. That’s just me being a lazy arse.”
16:48 Ian’s grumbling that the headline is about Boris being able to go for short walks.
“You’re only jealous because you can’t Ian with your chocolate back!”
18:54 For some strange reason Lindsay consults her diary. Oh there is something planned?!….Oh, pay Argos bill.
19:00 Lindsay gets ready for virtual night out (a virtual quiz night) with virtual friends. Oh, real friends. This is introvert Lindsay’s perfect night out. Vodka time!
Read what happened yesterday on Day 23