(Though nobody actually has it.)

03:17 Lindsay feels like she’s the mother of newborns as Joel wakes her hunting for food and Sam makes sure she stays awake by emptying his extremely large bladder. She’s gonna put up a tent for them to sleep in the garden. If they had a tent.

08:15 Frankie is sick by the back door. Looking at his deposit, the two stones and stick which he ingested yesterday obviously didn’t agree with him.

09:15 Frankie responds to the canine criticism of him by window warriors as he walks past by peeing on their front lawns.

10:06 Frankie steals the stepping stone Lindsay has just placed in the middle of a stream. She can only imagine the mess he’ll produce tomorrow trying to pass that.

10:32 Frankie shows no loyalty to any of the sticks he collects. If he was human, he’d be a Mormon.

10:48 Lindsay will soon be an expert in emergency stops the way this dog just keeps stopping dead in front of her to smell piss.

11:10 Ian announces he needs a haircut. Lindsay’s gonna have so much fun with this.

12:32 Lindsay nearly wets herself with excitement as Ian announces he’s been given work.

12:33 Lindsay is devastated when Ian says he can actually do the work from home. Lindsay sees vodka in her future.

13:05 Ian sets off to shop for his in-laws. He phones Lindsay slightly more confused than normal.

“So, your mam’s texted that she wants one bad Tesco small potato, one ply mushroom, one medium loaf large, 2 pits smoked mackerel, 1 tin peak, PMT cooked meats (didn’t know cooked meats could get moodiness and bloating) and a large box of Persia.”

“ Oh, and put Cadbury’s chocolate rolls. Where? Where do I put them?!”

Ian is gone a while.

14:39 Lindsay takes up archeology and unearths 4 year old Abigail length hair from the shower plug hole.

15:07 Sam causes anarchy by refusing to eat what’s on the food planner for his breakfast come brunch come lunch. The whole week is now thrown into utter disarray.

15:15 Abigail is losing it. She’s sat outside in a washing basket with Frankie’s toy snake singing ‘A Sailor went to Sea.” Frankie then takes her for a ride by pulling his snake. What the neighbours must think.

15:20 Sam is confused as to what is happening in the bathroom on the way back to his dirty, stinking pit.

“What’s with all the bottles in the bathroom?”

“I’m cleaning in there!”

“So what do I do?”

“Well Sherlock. How about you use another bathroom?”

15:38 Joel walks in on Lindsay cleaning the bathroom.

“What ya doing?”

“Making lasagne.”

“Ok.”

15:54 Abigail’s in the bathroom.

“Why does it smell different?”

Lindsay is losing the will to live.

“If you don’t like it, I’ll squirt toothpaste all over the sink and get Frankie to pee on the floor and up the wall if you like? Then it’ll be back to normal!”

18:23 Lindsay groans as she sits down to write today’s blog. Apparently she has two readers to entertain, not one.

18:59 Joel enjoys his lasagne (cooked in the bathroom).

“It was nice. There wasn’t too much pastry in it.”

“You don’t have pastry in lasagne.”

“Well, spaghetti then.”

“What? Spaghetti?”

“Oh I mean wafers.”

Lindsay reaches for that vodka.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 21