(Though nobody actually has it.)
08:15 Lindsay is startled by the face staring in at the kitchen window. It’s actually one of Abigail’s painted rainbows.
09:12 All the dogs on Laurel Bank decide to do a ‘Bark for Boris’. Or they are all just arseholes and want to wake up their owners. Frankie happily joined in.
09:55 On the daily walk, Frankie stops barking long enough for Lindsay to hear what sounds like a bird wolf-whistling as she passes. Once home, Lindsay will have to google which birds are attracted to females wearing dirty jeans, muddy shoes and hats worn by Benny from Crossroads.
10:04 Yet again, Frankie picks up the scent of a deer and sets off in chase. Lindsay wishes that he would just catch the beast and set up home with it once and for all.
10:19 Frankie is most upset that Lindsay has not thrown a single stone or stick on his walk. And these humans think they have problems at the moment?
10:26 Lindsay falls out with Siri. All she wants to know is the equivalent of half a pound in grams. So far, Siri has told her the contact details of a friend, the definition of a hectare, where you would expect to spend the pound currency and how much half a cow weighs.
11:05 Lindsay is surprised to see clothes which she wore yesterday already washed, dried and ready to put away. She hasn’t seen anything of the sort since 1996 when she left for university.
11:15 Ian asks Lindsay what she did yesterday while he was a work.
“Well, I went for a wander round the shops, had a cuppa in Costa then had my eyebrows waxed.”
11:16 Ian hasn’t learnt from his previous question.
“What do you fancy doing today then?”
“Well, we could go into the Lakes for lunch or go to the pub or go to our second home for a few hours?”
12:37 Lindsay is not sure she can write about another day in isolation but her one reader might complain.
13:04 Lindsay is bored and is looking at the Settings menu on her phone. She finds an option for controlling screen time for everyone in the family. That would be funny for all of five minutes.
13:32 Ian tells Lindsay he has put on two rows for this week’s Euromillions and the jackpot is £40 million.
“So Lindsay, if we win, do we get £80 million?”
Lindsay senses this is a trap. She takes her time. It’s blatantly obvious she’s stupid and is having to think about this. Some tumbleweed bounces across the living room carpet.
13:33 “No. We’d get half.” Lindsay is both pleased and disappointed in herself.
14:04 Lindsay goes for her siesta. She doesn’t even try to hide it now by snoozing on the sofa or sneaking upstairs claiming she needs the toilet. It is now a public service announcement and god help anyone who disturbs her.
15:59 In a brief and rare foray outside, Sam leaves his room to walk Frankie. Lindsay contemplates using the time to fumigate it. She spends too long thinking about doing it. By the time she’s ready to start, he’s back home.
16:23 Ian is called into work. Lindsay does a secret happy dance.
16:27 Ian’s boss changes her mind, saying he’s not needed. Lindsay needs to start bribing this boss to get Ian out of the house.
17:05 Lindsay decides to make a schedule to make the most of this free time. She’s doesn’t appear to have factored in any family time. Never mind.
17:23 Joel is tempted by the chocolate cupboard. Lindsay calls him into to the living room because tea is about to be served and tells him to sit and stay. Only Frankie obeys the commands.
18:55 Ian tells Lindsay about Victoria Derbyshire writing the phone number of a domestic abuse phone number on her hand for viewers to see. Lindsay tells Ian to make a note because he’ll be needing it if he carries on breathing.
Read what happened yesterday on Day 20