(Though nobody actually has it.)

00:23 Lindsay feels like Daddy Bear in Peace at Last. The radiator sounds like it’s having a breakdown, the landing is like Blackpool illuminations and Ian’s noisy yawning may result in a GBH charge. She escapes to the conservatory sofa to freeze herself into a coma.

06:10 Lindsay has a dream about being a good wife and making Ian’s bait. She then wakes up, thinks about doing it, turns over and goes back to sleep.

06:35 Ian realises Lindsay still hasn’t become a traditional 1950s housewife despite the lockdown and made his bait, so he makes as much noise as possible ratching out crisps and chocolate biscuits while she pretends to sleep.

06:40 Frankie is meanwhile delirious that one big human is downstairs asleep and the other is leaving the house, so he races upstairs to sleep on a bed that he hasn’t been able to get near for the past 18 days.

07:40 Sam enters the kitchen to get his breakfast.

“Why are you up so early?”

“I’m not. I haven’t been to bed yet.”

08:54 Abigail texts Lindsay to ask when she’s back. Abigail’s unaware Lindsay’s hiding under the blanket on the conservatory sofa.

09:15 Ian phones from work to ask if Lindsay will be out and about today. Lindsay reckons she’ll have to explain this staying at home situation to Ian with pictures and words of one syllable when he gets home.

09:20 Abigail arrives in the conservatory to take issue with some of the facts printed in Lindsay’s blogs.

“I’ve been misquoted. I want to sign something so you can’t print lies about me.”

“Cheeky madam! Do you want fed and watered?”

“Well that’s irrelevant because dad’s been doing that.”

10:20 Lindsay breathes a massive sigh of relief. Candy Crush has stopped giving out unlimited lives. She might actually get some parenting done today.

11:14 Lindsay and Abigail meet a lost jogger in the woods who asks Lindsay for directions. He’s now very, very lost. Last seen running south alongside the river Keekle. Or was it north?

12:52 Candy Crush gives Lindsay unlimited lives again. Feck!!

13:29 Lindsay tracks Ian and sees he’s 23 miles away. She’s got 2 hours to do 6 days worth of housework. Thank goodness for the slow going A595 south of Millom, congested with holiday traffic……..Oh feck feck feck!!

14:59 Joel is served his eggs on toast.

“It’s burnt!”

“It’s brown bread.”

“Oh.”

16:47 Lindsay hoovers outside Sam’s room. Still no signs of life since early this morning. She remembers dreaming of this moment when he was a toddler and wouldn’t sleep past 6am. Dreams do come true and revenge is sweet.

16:59 Abigail complains as Lindsay hoovers outside her bedroom.

“Did you not hoover like 2 days ago?”

“No Abigail. Months. 2 months ago.”

18:32 Lindsay hears the kids stirring. Time for vodka.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 17