(Though nobody actually has it.)

02:10 Joel wakes Lindsay by going downstairs for his supper. Safe to say that his body clock might be out of sync. Safe to say, Lindsay will launch a clock at his head if he disturbs her again.

09:30 Lindsay has to physically drag Joel by his legs and smack his bottom to wake up him for the dog walk. She’s sure he wants to come really.

09:55 Joel attempts to strike up a conversation with Lindsay about football. Lindsay lets Frankie drag her into the path of an oncoming car.

10:06 Frankie whacks Joel on the leg with a stick. Lindsay should empathise but she laughs hysterically instead.

12:05 Abigail emerges from under her duvet and asks when dancing is back on.

“Next Tuesday.”

She groans and crawls back under.

13.32 Joel announces he’s gone stir crazy. Lindsay can see no difference from how he’s behaved during the last 12 years.

13:56 Lindsay and Ian are watching a repeat of people clapping last night for the NHS. There’s a clip from Bishopbriggs of a man in a tartan kilt playing the bagpipes.

“Where’s that then Linz?”

“Scotland.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

14:08 Lindsay puts her pjs back on and goes for a nap. She’s not ill. She’s just bone idle.

14:15 Lindsay tries to have a nap but Abigail’s being hysterical with a friend on FaceTime and Joel’s screaming instructions at Christiano Ronaldo on Xbox. Sam’s her new favourite. Assuming he’s still alive in his bedroom. Missing in action since 8pm yesterday evening.

14:32 Abigail is still confined to bed. She’s not ill either. Her room is such a shit tip she can’t negotiate a way out.

16:58 Lindsay’s complaining to Ian more than normal.

“I’m hot. I’ve got a temperature!”

“You’ve got the heating on 30 degrees and you’re lying under a duvet in fleece pyjamas.”

“Yeah, but I’ve got a bad head and I’m lethargic. I need put down.”

“You’re a bad wife and terrible cook.”

18:01 Lindsay goes into her cupboard/study to work on her book. She emerges one hour later having arranged a virtual night out and googled where Bishopbriggs is. (North of Glasgow if you didn’t know.)

19:00 Lindsay asks Ian to put Emmerdale on.

“It’s not on. The village is in lockdown.”

“Oh yeah. What about Corrie?”

“Weatherfield’s in lockdown too Dougal.”

“Right you are Ted.”

19:10 Lindsay suddenly jumps up. “Emmerdale and Weatherfield aren’t in lockdown! They’re not real!!”

Read what happened yesterday on Day 16