(Although nobody actually has it)

05:13 Lindsay wakes up not feeling too clever. Bad head, shaking…no, it’s ok. That’ll be the vodka.

09:13 After managing to get back to sleep, Lindsay is woken by notifications on her iPad. Stupid teachers still sending actual work through for her kids. Swots. One called Victoria Wood sends work on quadratic equations. Lindsay reckons there must still be alcohol in her system. She’s sure she’s a comedian. And dead.

10:13 Abigail gets her medal results. Apparently her voice isn’t loud and clear enough in Song and Dance. Next time, Lindsay is gonna stick Joel at the back of the Civic Hall because Abigail can be loud and clear enough when she’s barking instructions or shouting insults at him.

11:45 Lindsay is FaceTiming her Mam. All of a sudden all three children appear behind Lindsay like Death Eaters, looking like they are ready to suck out her soul.

“Awww. Have you come to speak to Grandma?”

“No, the WiFi’s not working.”

12:02 Lindsay worries about today’s blog. Then rolls over and goes back to sleep.

15:47 Lindsay is woken from another hangover nap by a stupid dog barking outside. She shouts at Frankie to sort out the other dog. Frankie suddenly appears and the barking’s stopped. Funny that.

16:48 Lindsay reckons she’s managed to self isolate from herself today. Or go back in time. She appears to be childless and is wearing a 24 year old cardigan from Etam.

17:30 Lindsay decides she should check in on her kids learning today.

Sam: Haven’t done any yet. I had to walk the dog coz you were hungover.

Abigail: I moved some stones and ate lots of Penguin biscuits.

Joel: I haven’t done any. I did learn not to swear at my sister. Dad doesn’t like it apparently.

18:01 Lindsay trips the electricity by turning on bathroom light. Collective groan from 3 bedrooms confirms children are still alive.

18:03 Dory aka Lindsay switches on bathroom light again. Red faces now appear at doors.

18:05 Sadistic Lindsay is tempted to switch light on again then suggest a game of Monopoly. Sensible Lindsay decides to keep her mouth shut.

18:33 Lindsay asks Abigail to teach her that dance where she flaps her arms and twirls a bit. 30 seconds in, Abigail is empathising with her own dance teacher and telling her mother that she is useless.

“You’re not trying. Call yourself a teacher Mam?!”

“No I do not call myself….oh hang on, yes. Yes I do.” Reads back of hand. Must set online work.

18:34 Seconds later, another notification. Another fecking teacher sends suggested Easter activities. Lindsay knows exactly what she would like to send back to this teacher.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 9