(Though nobody has it)

06:16 Lindsay wakes up ridiculously early yet again on day 273 of the school holidays.

06:17 Is it really only day 3 of the school holidays? These have to be the worst school holidays ever.

06:18 Oh no, hang on, not holidays. Homeschooling and setting online lessons. Writes this on back of her hand.

08:05 Lindsay decides she’s going to embrace the tramp look. Tramp, not Trump. She’s been waiting for this moment all her life. No more straighteners. No more tinted moisturiser. No more plucking of eyebrows. No more squeezing her rolls into skinny jeans. She’s going to let herself go. She’s going to slob.

08:06 Lindsay remembers she needs to pop to Tesco later and puts on some clean knickers.

09:26 Lindsay is looking for small mercies. She could be in lockdown with a train obsessed Sam, feral toddler Joel and sleep allergic baby Abigail!

09:45 Lindsay takes social distancing far too seriously and gets her and Frankie lost somewhere near Moresby. Or is it Keekle?

10:57 Sam’s A-Level Maths books arrive. 70 quid for pages of absolute twaddle?! Lindsay safely delivers them to her eldest’s room. That’s his homeschoooling done for the day.

11:17 Lindsay wonders if Sam created this virus so he wouldn’t have to fetch his girlfriend round to be embarrassed by his entire family.

11:31 Joel asks Lindsay for help with German and History.

“I can’t help. I know nothing about German and History.”

“I thought you had A-Levels in them?!”

“Who’s been spreading those seditious rumours?”

“What does seditious mean?”

“Can’t remember. Did something about it in A-level History” Crap!

14:14 Lindsay braves going to Tesco for her parents. She’s petrified. Not of catching the virus. They’ve introduced a one way system and she’s always struggled with her left and right.

15:10 Everyone is saying now is a time to learn something new so Lindsay decides to cook a meal for her kids.

15:15 Whilst cooking, Lindsay tells Joel about Prince Charles.

“Who’s he?”

“Who’s he?!!!!!!”

“Which one is he?”

“Which one of what?!”

“Oh, I know. He’s the Queen’s wife.”

16:54 Lindsay wishes the sun would do one. It’s highlighting how filthy her house is and she can’t tilt the blinds because they’re minging too!

18:44 Lindsay finds herself videoing Abigail doing a ballet routine in a tutu and football boots. Abigail that is. Lindsay’s reverted back to the tramp look.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 7