(Though nobody actually has it)

05:57 Frankie wakes the entire house by barking at the mystery person behind the curtains, up the road, round the corner, three doors down who’s not maintaining a safe social distance.

09:07 All children receive an unauthorised absence for failing to attend the first day of homeschooling. Unauthorised by their mother in her PJs, lying on the sofa, drinking tea, playing Candy Crush.

09:35 Joel’s history teacher recommends watching Wizard of Oz to get a better understanding of America in the Thirties. This man obviously never made it past the first ten minutes!

09:36 Lindsay suddenly remembers she’s meant to setting work for her own class!! This is not a holiday. Repeat Lindsay. This is not a holiday.

10:32 Joel tracks Lindsay down to the toilet where he announces that he absolutely, definitely, most certainly, 100% needs some treasury tags right now, at this moment, immediately. Or else.

11:37 Frankie teaches those stupid humans a thing or two about social distancing. All you need to do is carry a stick longer than your own body in your mouth, douse yourself in mud then, after jumping in a beck for a few minutes, shake yourself vigorously, spraying everything and everyone within a 2 metre radius.

13:43 Ian decides to throw his back out just as osteopaths across the country shut their doors for approximately 12 weeks 🙄

16:31 Lindsay suddenly remembers again that not only is she meant to be homeschooling her own kids but she’s meant to be doing online planning for her own class. Just one more episode of Line of Duty……

16:50 Lindsay plays knocky-eye-doors on the landing (apparently the official title is Knocky Nine Doors. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Lindsay is now homeschooling herself by researching irrelevant information) and finds it hilarious, hiding in her bedroom, out of breath, giggling like a child. None of her brats play along and open their door.

16:54 Lindsay finds herself singing the theme tune from Prisoner Cell Block H. Only those women were lucky because they weren’t locked away with their husband, kids and dog.

17:11 Lindsay’s about to open ‘Café Corona’ then remembers that Boris has ordered the closure of all eating establishments. Fair enough. The buggers can fend for themselves then.

17:15, 17:24, 17:45 Various children enter the living room, clearly on the lookout for food. Lindsay coughs and they all scarper. Result.

Read what happened yesterday on Day 5