The Last Day in the Christmas Corona House

(And nobody ever caught it. Well, I assume they didn’t. Kids tend to be asymptomatic so maybe my three did. And because we don’t actually spend any time together, we never caught it off them! Or did we? Mass testing!! Now there’s an idea. Boris!!)

00:34 Sam sounds like he’s recreating a Battle of Britain aerial combat in his room. Turns out he’s huffing and puffing at one of his FIFA players.

03:52 Lindsay is wide awake. She can’t remember when four in the morning changed from staggering in from the student union to downing Gaviscon and watching period dramas on Netflix

09:15 Lindsay’s disappointed she’s not featured on the New Year’s Honours List. She reckons she deserves a CBA. She’s devoted her life to the role and nurtured three children who also can’t be arsed.

11:04 Lindsay gets a personalised letter from a weight loss company. Maybe the alarm sensors are actually cameras for people like Santa to watch what’s going on.

11:36 An email arrives from the kids’ headteacher. Lindsay wonders if headteachers will be given days in lieu for all this time they’re working in the holidays when they should be relaxing with family. She tells herself to stop being stupid. Boris and Gavin are still in charge of the lunatic asylum after all.

15:24 Lindsay has an ulterior motive in being nice to Ian.

“Are you doing owt?”

“No. What do you want me to do?”



“So I can do nowt.”

“Do you want to go for a nap?”


16:51 Joel announces his resolutions.

“Two cold showers a day and to eat healthier.”

“Nothing else? Think of next summer. Maybe an academic resolution?”

“What’s academic?”

16:54 Lindsay’s had enough of Joel.

“Ian! Shout of Joel! He might come and see you.”


Frankie comes up and Joel stays put.

18:09 Lindsay’s stressed with trying to do three posts in one evening and is moaning to Ian.

“I read the first one.”


“I liked it.”

“Liked it?”

“Well I didn’t like it like it. I just liked it.”

“Why didn’t you like it like?”

“Actually I think I did like it like it.”


And in the small corner of this crazy universe, that conversation made complete sense.


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