Day Five in the Back to School House

06:36 Lindsay wakes up having dreamt about walking the dog. Ian, meanwhile, has been playing Football Manager in his sleep and was shouting instructions at his rubbish left back.

06:37 Doesn’t Sam play left back for Ian?

07:22 On the news, Lindsay watches a mother in Manchester Airport bending down attentively to listen to her daughter. Lindsay’s not fooled. She’s only being motherly because there’s a BBC reporter five yards away. She’ll be back playing Candy Crush on her phone once the camera pans away.

11:53 Lindsay checks the magic filling washing basket and is surprised to see it’s almost empty.

12:12 Sam emerges from his lair and doesn’t acknowledge his mother’s existence. She’ll remember that when he’s looking for clean underpants.

12:43 Joel calls the house phone from his bedroom to order breakfast. Lindsay shouts back at him.

“Swivel on what? My chair?”

13:12 The bloody basket is now overflowing.

14:56 While the kids return to lockdown laziness, Lindsay tries to do some lesson planning. So far, she’s planned a cup of tea at half three and a quick trip to Home Bargains.

16:23 Frankie returns from his walk. Thinking his lady human might not be stressed enough at the moment, he’s decided it would be a good idea to roll in a cow pat. He’s suddenly looking inside at his very angry lady human from the garden.

17:12 Lindsay has to scream at the kids multiples times that their tea is ready.

“Are you deaf?”

“No. We’re just not used to you cooking.”

18:23 Joel decides to cheer up his mam.

“I’m going gonna start revising tomorrow.”

Lindsay wets herself.

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