Day One in the Back to School House

06:34 Lindsay wakes up from a bad dream. She’d been teaching a group of belligerent kids. She sighs with relief then suddenly realises it wasn’t a bad dream. It’s probably her immediate future.

06:35 Lindsay reckons she could fill her water bottle with vodka and get away with it. She’ll wear a mask to stop the virus getting in and the alcoholic stench getting out.

07:52 Frankie wags his tail excitedly as he watches the two big humans put their shoes on. He’s finally getting shot of the buggers. Two down, three to go.

15:42 Lindsay arrives home. The house is already a shit tip. Lindsay quickly shuts all the blinds and sprays some Pledge. That’s a bit better.

15:43 The kids emerge from their rooms for the first time today to complain they’re starving. Lindsay tells them to read Lord of the Flies. The mention of reading sends them scurrying back into their rooms.

16:01 Ian asks Lindsay how her first day back has been.

“It was alright. Quite good.”

“Were any kids in?”

“No! That’s why it was alright!”

16:36 Lindsay manages to go to the toilet for the first time that day and discovers a family of spiders have made a home in the corner. She can’t even pee in private.

17:02 Lindsay’s Apple Watch reminds her to breathe. She’s relieved because she might have forgotten.

18:17 Joel announces his school trousers don’t fit.

“You really should wait a bit longer to tell me these things.”

“Oh ok. I’ll remind you tomorrow.”

Thankfully he’s not taking a GCSE in sarcasm.

18:49 Lindsay sits down to plan lessons for the first day back. She really must start playing the lottery again. And stop writing diaries.

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