1. The person I used to yearn to spend every waking moment with, I would now happily do time for.

2. The children I nurtured and gave birth to, I now want to swap for better ones.

3. The four legged animal I shout at for being wet and dirty is now my favourite living thing to spend time with. He doesn’t answer back, have opinions or need homeschooled.

4. The dog doesn’t reciprocate my feelings. When I walk into a room, he walks out. When I take him for walks, he maintains a 20 yard distance between us like a moody adolescent, looking disappointed over and over again when he glances behind him and sees I’m still there.

5. I can’t teach my own kids.

6. I can’t teach other people’s kids.

7. I could easily spend all day doing absolutely nothing. I can procrastinate until the cows come home, have their tea, pop in the bath and fall asleep in front of the telly.

8. I can grow weeds but kill plants. As in I don’t know the difference.

9. No amount of practice will stop me from getting hangovers.

10. I’m a natural at social distancing. I would prefer two miles though instead of two metres.

11. I can save money. I don’t have a spending addiction after all.

12. I do have a crisp addiction.

13. I could clean all day but my house will always be a shit tip.

14. It’s possible to feel more pregnant than when I was actually up the duff. I’m waddling around with an enlarged stomach and bad back like I’m about to pop.

15. After 10, 537 Zoom quizzes, my general knowledge is now only slightly piss poor instead of the pre-lockdown very piss poor.

16. My R rating is continuing to rise. R as in rage. I can fly into one if someone in my household merely attempts to breathe near me.

17. I can remember a dative prepositional contraction in German from 1992 but I struggle to remember why I’ve walked into a room.

18. I could easily live as a hermit. I’m not too fussed about humans and I’ve embraced bushy eyebrows and grey hairs. Would just need a supply of potatoes. For crisps. And possibly vodka.

19. I’m fickle. In the blink of an eye, I can go from despising one offspring to hating a different one.

20. I may need therapy when this is all over.

Also available in poem form 😂 Lockdown Life