Lockdown started enthusiastically,
The things I was going to achieve.
Those lists would be finally completed,
And the house cleaner than I could ever believe.
I think it all started quite well,
It seems such a long time ago now.
1,992 hours to be exact,
Five minutes later, me and him had out first lockdown row.
At first, the weather was surprisingly kind,
Up in Cumbria this is indeed a rare event.
Sunshine for weeks on end in springtime?
We’re normally wet through chasing after our tent.
Schools closed down and I leapt for joy,
Much welcomed extended holidays for me.
No more planning, marking and teaching,
Or hanging on all day to go for a wee.
I’d have endless free time all to myself,
Maybe a pamper or reading books with a brew.
But then the penny suddenly dropped,
My own bloody kids would be off with me too.
Home learning is a form of punishment,
I must have been bad in a previous life.
Middle child is so damn unteachable,
I fear now for his poor future wife.
He’s confused our PM Winston Churchill,
With Woodrow Wilson, the American president.
When God was giving out brains,
He wasn’t last in line; he wasn’t even present.
The little one is faring no better,
She’s picking and choosing what she completes.
Even then she does so half-heartedly,
And goes on t’internet and blatantly cheats.
I’ve left the eldest one to it,
A level Maths is way too much bother.
For me his marks aren’t that important,
The day’s a success if we just acknowledge each other.
In the midst of all this, I’m setting work,
So my own students don’t fall too far behind.
They’re deciding to do bugger all too,
No marking! They really are all too kind.
The dog is seriously fed up,
When will this loathsome lockdown ever cease?
His humans don’t leave the house anymore,
And all he wants is to lick his balls in peace.
Him indoors still gets to escape though,
He says he’s an essential key worker.
I just smile and send him off to drive trains,
Otherwise I’ll be on trial for first degree murder.
Not seeing people hasn’t really bothered me,
I’m happy to call, FaceTime or even just text.
It’s made my lockdown life so much easier,
‘Cos I don’t have to get either washed or dressed.
I have at times made a small effort,
And tamed my wild, unruly frizz.
I’ve still stayed in my PJ bottoms though,
But looked half decent for the weekly Zoom quiz.
The things I have learnt during lockdown,
In these quizzes I have needed some luck.
Did you know Lady Gaga’s real name?
Or, like me, did you not give a f&@#?
But things are starting to change,
I’ll be back to work for a few days soon.
Time to dye the greys and pluck the eyebrows,
And escape from this lockdown cocoon.
Let’s hope that my work clothes still fit,
My jeans feel like they’ve all been shrunk.
And I must remember to take my own water,
And not turn up hungover or dangerously drunk.
And that is my lockdown in a nutshell,
This virus will go down as one of life’s major events.
And all I’ve got to show for it,
Are grey hairs, more wrinkles and a half painted fence!